Enough and then some

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2010-08-15T18:46:00.001-07:00

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Good bye Nana

2010-01-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

You were 90 years old, and I believe I can say 90 years young as well. You never seem to age and your heart just continued to grow. I never met anyone who had as many friends as you. There were so many people who wanted to visit you, to sit and chat with you and just be around you. That is only a testament to who you were. Who you will always be.

You were not that old in terms of life experiences when your husband died. You had an 18 year old and your three older boys. I never thought how hard that must have been on you to go back to Scotland after Papa died here and your boys and you brought his ashes home. What was life like for you?

I always wished we lived closer. I often felt like you would be the kind of person I would love to have tea with and listen to your stories of growing up. Maybe I was being idealistic but there seemed to be a connection between us.

We both loved pictures, and cards. I think I must have sent a million cards and almost as many pictures. Each year I sent my class picture to you, and for every birthday, Christmas and every other occasion I could count on a card from my Nana.

I am not sure how to say good bye to someone I feel I was just starting to get to know. I am not sure how to say good bye to someone who was a hero of mine and I just realized that if I am one quarter of the woman that you were then I will be an asset to this world.

Good bye Nana. I know you loved me and I know you know I loved you.

Teach me to say good-bye.

2010-01-19T20:14:00.000-08:00

Nana

let me teach you to say good-bye
to learn to trust the process
and not to always just to cry

Show you how to say I love you
and let me go from here
even though you want to still hold me dear

You want me here and want me to stay
yet we all have to know that
this is truly not the way

My life on earth has been long
sometimes full of joy and sometimes full of pain
but I still just want sit with you one more time again

Even with me being so very far away
We always felt there was a connection
and I think of you each day.

I see your picture sitting up high
on the shelf in my living space
and your eyes seem to tell me
to say goodbye with grace

Your eyes seem to look at me and
say this much is true
I know that you love me
and in return, I do too

Take care of your father
take care of yourself as well
because I am will watching
and hoping time will tell

Hope time will tell you
that nothing gold can stay
that my time was good and
I'm so sad I cannot stay
So try not to be sad and hold
onto those tears
Knowing you that you cannot let go
does nothing to ease my fears

I don't want to leave you
and see you feel so sad
to know when you think of me
you won't be always be glad

So hold my hand and
tell me you love me
keep close by side
until the time has come
to cross to that other side

There are so many waiting
those whom i held so dear
who went before me
and I shed a tear

They are so close to me
and surrounding me near my bed
and when the times come
be assured that I will be led

My husband will open his arms
with my son at his side
and they will help me cross
the bridge to the other side.

God will be waiting to
greet me with open arms and heart
to tell me he missed me
and was sad we'd been apart

I will ask him to watch and care
for you all
but for now I need to heed the call

My time is almost gone and I want you
all to really know this
to let me go
is the greatest gift

i am not leaving to a place
you cannot find , in part
because I will always reside within your heart

I leave my three boys
and many grandchildren too
legions of family and friends
the old connections and the new

You all came to visit
to comfort and to care
I still cannot believe
all the love we had to share

But now my time is drifting
and I need to find a way
to teach you how to say good bye
to me in your own special way

To teach you it is ok to be
sad and feeling a little blue
but I need to you say good bye
not for me but for you

I don't want to go
and leave you all alone
but it really is time
for me to go on home

So you'll have to learn
To say good bye and let me know
That although you'll miss me
It's ok for me to go.

You see, I love you so very much
that I keep holding on
and if you need me too
I will keep fighting on

But I am so very tired
and have grown weary of the fight
and I see the beauty of the end
It really is a beautiful sight

So I will teach you how to say
good bye to me, my friend
hold my hand and stay with me
until the very end

When the time has come
and I will be gone
Just now that my love for you
will always go on.

So listen to me
one last lesson I have to impart
Let me go with love
and fill your broken heart

Life’s a time to be
loved and memories are to be shared
I know there are so many of you that truly cared.

Life may feel long
and the days may stretch on
but in reality it is awfully short
and time you cannot count on

So let me go my dear family and friends
I will be ok and you will be too
Because you loved me
and I will always love you.

What time is it?

2009-12-28T13:20:00.000-08:00

Ideas floating around in my head.

2009-12-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

So, since November my mind has been tossing around some old ideas that I had long stopped listening to. I have been trying hard to stop thinking about what I want. I have had a life long habit of watching what others are doing and seeing that it makes them happy/fulfilled/inspired and then decide to give it a try. Most of the time it is a half hearted try.

Most of what I do seems to me, at least, to be half hearted. I have Grey’s Anatomy on in the background as I write this blog entry and a woman who has an aneurysm said that the aneurysm was her best friend..That it woke her up from her life that she had been sleep walking through.
SLEEP WALKING THROUGH LIFE.
This is not a new concept nor feeling for me, that I have been sleep walking for the last 20 years.

I am 36 years old right now. This last 3 months I have felt alternately so young and ready and at the start line of life and then positively middle aged. It is so disconcerting, yet I am welcoming it. I feel zaps of energy, hope, confusion and restlessness. I wonder what this all means?

I am going to be getting credit counselling to see where I stand in that area of my life. I am at Weight Watchers and am finding my momentum there again. I love teaching. I am getting closer to my family and like that, just sad that it took losing someone in our family to wake us up.

I want to see if moving to renting a place for a few years is a good idea. This way if I decide to teach in another board or province then I will not need to sell. Can I handle the insecurity of renting or do I need the feeling of owning. Does either renting or owning really matter? Is it more of an internal thing?

The most prevalent ideas that keep coming back to my mind are travelling and bringing out my creativity. I think the core of both is OPENING up.

It has taken me almost 2 hours to write the above…can you tell my mind and soul are both haunted and restless today.

I would utterly appreciate any feedback.

I said goodbye to you today..it was more a see you soon

2009-12-18T21:37:00.000-08:00

I wish I knew the day God
Called you by your name
That it was the last day I would
touch your hand
Once again.

I knew the end was coming
The cancer was too strong
But as quick as it came
I’m glad you did not suffer long

It hurt to see you in pain
And trying just to breathe
I wished for you peace,
Compassion, a reprieve.

Your brothers, nieces, nephews
Sons and wife too
All gathered there to help
And let our love send you through

Your sons were strong and so
Deeply torn apart
From the love of a father
They admired from the start

I walked into your room
And saw you were in pain
And wished to have you back
To tease me once again.

The time was coming
The close drawing near
I know that when we prayed with you
The love and words you did hear

After God called you
And took you by the hand
I tried so hard to realize
And just to understand

That God must have needed
Someone up above
Who has a sense of humour
And an unconditional sense of love

So many came to see you
And send you on your way
You would have been so proud
Of your honourable sons that day

I tried so hard to be brave
As we shared this terrible day
But for many times
A smile upon my lips did play

I smiled through the tears
I did not have a doubt
That you were there
To see what it was all about

The people and the words
Were all said with care
About how we would all miss you
Now that you are no longer there

I knew you sat beside her
And held her hand with care
I know that because as Marc spoke
I certainly felt you there

We took you to your resting place
And blessed your final space
The family laid you to rest
With love, sadness and grace

I laid a flower upon the box
That held your body tight
And I knew in that moment
That you had taken flight.

Each time the sun shines
Or wind blows from above
I know it is you sending us your love.

You were loved, you are loved
And will be deeply missed
But all I need do is think of you
And I’ll feel you in our midst.

So journey onwards
And journey well
Knowing we love you
And on the sadness, we will not dwell.

For there were too many laughs
Too many jokes and bbqs had
To only ever remember you in sadness
And leave out the glad

So when I think of you today
Tomorrow and each day on
Know that you were loved
And that will carry on.

~Lesley

Happily Ever After the Christmas card inspired version

2009-12-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

Happily Ever After – V.2 – The Christmas Card Inspired Edition

Today I went to my mailbox to find a delight! It was a Christmas card and included in it was a family newsletter. For years I have always thought how neat it would be to do a family newsletter. …Hold up, let’s go back a bit.

I have not yet put to total rest my own fertility, or lack thereof. I have begun to put it to rest and thought I was finished and the up the issue pops again. Sometimes it when I leave a family gathering and see my nieces and cousins, sometimes it is when I see a family with a new baby. Sometimes, it even sneaks up on me out of nowhere and I find myself almost being able to feel a baby in my arms…strange. I feel like I am coming to the end of this realization that I will not be a mother, but cannot say I have totally grieved this loss in my life.

I do call it a loss because at some, no many points of my life I did see myself as a mother. I saw myself as someone’s mother, in fact two or three people’s mother. I saw myself pregnant, with an infant, chasing a toddler trying to keep my sanity and even dreading/anticipating the ‘tween’ years. I never saw it as a wonderful, utterly positive experience where I would be baking Nestle cookies with cherub cheeked (and of course polite) children around me. I never saw it as something that would be the answers to all my prayers and life would be complete. I just saw it as, well I saw it as a part of who I wanted to be and who I thought I was.

However there are other things in my life that I thought equalled what I think was ‘Happily Ever After’ that are not quite here either. I was like I had stash of puzzle pieces in my drawer and I knew that one day they would all come together to reveal my version
Of Happily Ever After. It was not like I had no clue what the whole picture would look like but I was pretty damn sure it would include a family. Since those puzzle pieces where either missing or for some reason just do not fit together any more. Are they even meant to fit to together? Maybe at one time they did but not anymore. I will sometime keep those pieces to the side and see if I might need them later. I am not ready to full put them aside.

Back to today. I got a Christmas card from a friend who I reconnected with in face book earlier this year. She was someone in grade school was an enigma to me because she was ‘different’. I did not like the differentness at first. I recall interpreting it as she was too good for me and some others. I later would think she was bossy and head strong. I would later just feel like she had ‘something’ I did not. In realizing this it made me not like her at times (sorry Fi! I was just a stupid kid). I cannot remember a time I was not questioning what I wanted, what I was and if what I was, was well, good enough to get to where I thought I wanted to go. Even just writing that it sounds very tiring and quite ridiculous!

It seems I did have a version of what I thought Happily Ever After would look like for me. Then the more I went through school I started to change the version of H.E.A…for other people’s versions. The people were confident and happy so what they were doing seemed to work for them so I figured it would be good for me as well. I started to take little pieces of different people’s H.E.A. and thought I could make a mosaic and in that big picture I could find what my H.E.A. The problem was my mind jumped from one person’s idea to another and another and another and I just got all dizzy from all the ideas.

The there came some time in my life where I just stopped listening to myself and cared way too much about what others thought and became a chameleon fitting myself into situations and people’s lives in order to keep myself separate from people and away from any negative attention that would centre on me.

Today a Christmas card came and I realized I wanted to do that! I wanted to send out a picture Christmas card but thought it would be silly and people would laugh because it was ‘just me’ and not family or even one with pets. I opened it and there was Fi, smiling a contented and confident smile. It even included a year in review note…I love that stuff!!!

Maybe my H.E.A. is about just accepting that what I want to do and how I want to share and spend my time is my HAPPILY EVER AFTER

...It was amazing how just coming home and opening a Christmas card may have just been the key that opened up a very locked up part of my brain. That just being me is good enough and ok and if someone else doesn’t think so…Well MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!

2009-12-13T20:06:00.000-08:00

The cycle of life is clearly on my mind with the passing of my uncle today. My uncle Jim was such a kind man with a wicked wit and told it like it was. I remember not being sure if he liked me the first 12 years of my life because I have never been able to see someone be able to say things with such a serious face and then later a twinkle in the eye that you could miss. Once I learned to decipher 'Jim-ease' and give it back to him just as good he gave it I developed a not only a deep familial love for him but a genuine enjoyment of him as a person. I came to crave time with him at family gatherings.

Most of the time he sat and watched others, especially the kids at play. He loved kids, and the kids loved him – and not just cause he was the candy man. I remember wishing MY dad had his job, he worked at Dare candy factory. Whenever we visited we always left with cookies or jujubes and more often than not both. He would slip one box to me and another to my brother so that by the time my mother figured out we had both, were already safely in the car on the way home. He loved to poke fun of my mother and we would often do that together. We both understand her unlimited love and heart but her OCD (not according to her) ways can be (hmmm be nice Lesley) tiresome at times. But even with the annoyances and questions he knew that my mother was very fond of him so he tolerated it.

Today was not an easy day but I am so very glad to have been able to be there. I was not there in the room when he died as I had just left the hospital but I got to spend the day with him, the family and some very, very kind nurses. I held his name, talked to him, offered support to those who needed it and accepted support when I needed it.

I am so very sad he is gone and will not see more of his grandchildren’s lives as well as his two sons. His wife will miss him dearly. My dad and his other brothers have lost one of the group of 4. I cannot even imagine how my nana is feeling in Scotland, having at 90 lost a son. No one expects to bury their own children. My uncle and joked a year ago at a family wedding if I would ever marry and I told him if I did they he had to by my master of ceremonies. It was my way of saying I love you to man how still even now intimidated me at times. I will miss him so very, very much.

The circle of life includes all the seasons of life and today I felt the circle draw tightly around my family for support.

I hope Rob, Peter, my papa, my grandpa, and my grandma are all up there to meet him and help him on his journey home. You’re in good company Uncle Jim and we will take care of those you left behind because no one walks alone.

2009-12-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

I have bought a bazillion books on weight loss, ways of eating, methods of cooking, self help, self hypnosis, workouts, 101 ways to be happy/healthy/content etc. over the past few years. Videos, yes videos, VHS ones and DVD's of yoga, weight lifting, jazzericing, sweating to the oldies, some with leotards, some with the words boot camp or someone yelling at me on, or even someone telling me how wonderful I am. I may even be responsible for a few purchases of creams and gels trying to make myself comfortable in the skin that I am in- all of it.

I have bought shirts that suck it in, bind it in and at times can barely breathe as I allow the elastic to keep a hold of me. I have bought clothing that ‘one day’ I might fit in and clothing that I did fit in but wanted to cut out the tags. I have walked by racks of clothing and fingered the cloth, the label and contemplated the body type/size that I would eventually need to not only wear the outfit but to wear the outfit and wear it well.

Today I was embarrassed of and by my body. Not the look of it but the feel of it. The feel of my stomach, my arms, my hips, my face…all of it. I did not like how it felt to move around the room, the streets and when people touched me. What makes this a shaming revelation is that someone I love very much is fighting a very difficult to win battle against cancer. Someone I love is fighting to stay in a body that is very less than perfect yet houses a beautiful soul. In thinking about both of these issues that were clearly on the forefront of my mind, the word respect danced around my mind.

It must seem weird and incredibly self indulgent to relate these two and it feels so very wrong. However the way I have treated my body has nothing to do with respect. I began to write this post and knew that it would have something to do with my lack of respect in living in and with this physical body of mine. I have treated it like it did not matter and like I can eventually, on a dime, turn and transform it. I know that I can, I know that I can eat healthier, exercise on a consistent basis, connect with others and do all that I need, no desire for my body. I am aware enough to know that the answer does not and will not come in the form of a book, program or video. It is already within me and there is not great key to unlocking it, no secret code or password I must learn. It is there, it needs only the respect it demands and the actions that convey that respect – discipline and consistency.

Today as I thought of my uncle, laying in the hospital as cancer attacks his body I was embarrassed that the extra weight bothered me. I was embarrassed and ashamed that my body is for the most part healthy and I am not taking that gift and being actively thankful for it. Instead I have laughed at the gift, not even attempting to at least return it. I have mocked it and dressed it up as something it was never intended- unhealthy. I would gain another 50lbs if I knew it would cure him and bring him back to the man he was before cancer took a hold of him. I would accept that this, this 170lb version of me is ok if it would cure him. I know it won’t. I am not about to make deals and bargains I cannot keep or are unreasonable. I can only respect the process of life and know that God is with him right now. I know that the set of footprints I see and feel make me worry he is alone in his pain and suffering, as is his family but I have that faith that even I never knew that I had, that those footprints are him being carried.

I cannot accept this version of me. This version that is heavy on weight and light on commitment and respect to what I am called to do. I am called to be all that I was created to be, not a shrunken version of me. I am called to send my love out, not use all my insecurities I create by layering my body with fat to keep those around me away. I can respect the gift of life that I have right now while it is still a very vibrant gift that is not riddled with disease. I can choose to do this, but it is all about respect.

Irrespective of my choices in health, life goes on and life ends. I cannot control when things like cancer will come into my life but I can control how I treat my body while it’s healthy. I vow from now on to treat it with respect.

There is no book/dvd/program/class to teach me about respect and the value of your body when you have it, no matter its condition. This lesson is only learned through being humbled in the realization that one day you may not have control over what happens no matter how hard you work at it. So for today, for now when I can, I will work on treating it with respect.

2009-12-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

The other day, on Face book my cousin was posting about 'just wanting her happily ever after'. Quite a few people, including me, responded to it saying that we were waiting for that as well. It got me to thinking what I considered as ‘happily ever after’.

I know that when I was much younger ‘happily ever after’ meant that I was going to be a journalist after studying at UCLA. I was going to write stories like Mark Bonokoski, the human interests’ writer from the Toronto Sun. I was going to write about people whose life stories demanded to be heard. I was going to write these stories while living down at Harbourfront and take kayaking lessons. I was going to have dogs and kids but never did I see a man there with me.

As I grew older that happily ever after shifted a bit to becoming a social worker who fought for children who were not being treated well. That dream soon faded as I realized I would not live happily ever after in that I would never be able to separate myself from my day job.

As school went on I started to think of my happily ever after being a bit more conventional. To meet someone, to fall in love and marry and have a family, seemed to the one route that most were going to take to ensure what they considered to be happily ever after. I started to wonder if that route was the one I should join up for. I met and date one or two people I could see it happening with but never FELT it happening with. I did, however meet 4 people I would have LOVED to have utterly settled down with. However, the choices of these people were safe in that they could not be mine, and I could not be theirs. There were wives already there, age and life stages that did not match etc. Those ghosts still play around the attic of my mind at times.

As school ended, a long relationship did as well and my career started I lost what the happily ever after was supposed to be and if I was supposed to be even looking anymore. Was it something to look to? To allow myself to open to finding it?

What DOES happily ever after mean?

I am not even sure I think there is a happily ever after as to me that means you are always looking towards something..not living in the moment.

Is it happily ever after or is it happily now?

2009-09-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

I think I am not meant to have a nose ring. I loved it. It looked beautiful and I think it totally suited me. However, this is the second time it came out and will not go back in. It was totally my fault that it came out, I was coming out of the shower (both times!) and went to wipe my face clean and out it came with it getting caught on the thread of the towel. It came out nice and clean the second time with no pain at all. In fact I did not even notice that it had come out until I looked in the mirror and found the jewellery wrapped up in the towel. Sigh. I tried to screw it back in, it goes into the nostril fine but not through to the inside of the nose. I tried to straight earring but it only goes so far and even with a solid push it does not go fully in. Sigh. I will try again but if not then I guess I just need to let it close and either get it re-pierced or remember it fondly.

Success! Oh sweet success!! I got the straight earring in – and will keep it there for the day to keep the hole open but will have to get Sue to show me how to put my nose ring in.

I guess it has got me thinking what the nose ring means to me. I have been working through some really tough identity issues and confronting some core beliefs I have about myself. I have realized that for a very long time I was a chameleon with other people, from a very young age. I never knew what *I* liked or enjoyed doing so I just did what other people did that seemed to bring them joy and they were interested in. It was not so much to have them like me but more that I wanted to feel that joy/passion that people get from activities they really enjoy.

So my question from here, is do I need to go back and figure it out or so I just move on from here?

My nose ring, yes let’s get back to that. How does this connect to the current piercing? Well, I think it is about self expression. I would enjoy a few more piercings and some tattoos. Yet my first thought was I was wondering how people would react about tattoos on my arms. Then yesterday when I was at the Queen St. Art crawl http://westqueenwest.ca/event/queen-west-art-crawl and I was marvelling at the breadth of self expression and talent of the people who participated in this event. It came to me that I was wondering, if I could just express myself, what would come out?

I think that is where I am at right now. I am trusting that this is exactly where I need to be.

Simple ?Or not so simple?

2009-09-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

Martha Stewart I am not. I love organization, I love things that organized, I love people that are organized (just not the scary organized people!) and I love living in a place that is organized.

After a summer of unloading emotional baggage, well ok SOME of it, I need to look at my habit of collecting 'stuff'. I look in my kitchen and there is 'stuff'. I enter into the bathroom and there is 'stuff'. I am not even going to try to explain the situation that is my bedroom (and don't even get me started on my classroom). The 'stuff' is making my mind cluttered if that makes sense. I can feel it in my chest, it is this knot that makes me almost not be able to take a full breath when I walk into my apartment.

The knot is due to not so much the 'stuff' but the holding onto stuff that is no longer relevant or useful to me. It is making me feel cluttered and it is making me feel wasteful. There are so many people that do not have things and yet I hoard stuff and get stuff I do not need. It is making me feel stuck, overwhelmed and just plain fed up!

So I am going to start with my clothing. I have SO much in that closet, yet I wear the same clothes over and over. So tomorrow I go through the clothing for what fits, what will never fit and what might fit once I get back on the healthy routine. I am going to be RUTHLESS while culling my clothing.

I will then move onto my kitchen, it needs to be organized to be more efficient in terms of storage space and ease of access to the things I use the most. I want it to be a place I can prepare and store healthy meals.

My car also needs organizing and once done that, treated with some respect. I tend to use it as a junk heap and that needs to stop.

My classroom will hopefully be the biggest place I will notice a difference in my desire to live simplicity. I am going to go through each book and decide if I need to keep it or not.

Simple plan? Not really - just a lot of simple desires. I need to make my plan of which needs to go first and how to accomplish this and then make a to do list.

Off to bed for the night and then the goal is to start simply in the morning.

Lessons from 'The Wood

2009-09-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

1. I accept myself for where I am
2. I need to be more compassionate towards myself.
3. Other peoples problems are not mine
4. Being emotional and having emotions are not as scary as I thought
5. In order to connect to myself and others I need to be honest with my emotions and communicate.
6. I did not realize how angry I was and that ignoring that anger is not healthy
7. I am not crazy
8. My core self esteem does not need to be changed with each upsetting situation . At the centre of it I am a pretty good person and I need to not let external circumstances shake that belief so easily.
9. There are some seriously sad stories of people's lives.
10. Things are going to be OK.

We need hereos to teach us to never give up a dream, a life, our life, to be open to life. Meet Peter and Rob, two of my personal hereos...

2009-08-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

Peter Lam 1971-1995

Rob 1994-2009

Peter, oh my goodness my dear friend Peter.

I met you in my late teens as we both worked at a summer camp down at Harbourfront. We could not have been more different in terms of interests and personalities, yet with our mutual commute we became friends. We would laugh, complain and fall asleep on the long subway and bus rides home. Luckily for me you always took the bus further than me so you could wake me up before my stop. You often accused other passengers of assuming that I had 'Bamboo Fever' (your version of Jungle Fever ...lol) and never failed to try to always make me see the brighter side of life. You took life as it came while I fretted and worried over every past decision

and the ones not yet before me. You tried to get to me just 'be' and sometimes you succeeded. Oh, I was so much more open then - I had not yet retreated into my cocoon of fear , depression and self isolation. I would be so ashamed for you to know that I went backwards instead of foreword in the world.

I think of you often (especially on my birthday - you and your friends never did get to do that drive by birthday singing to me!) and wonder what you think, and sometimes I can almost even see your smile. Your big, goofy and lovely smile. Your gentle nature but yet somehow strong as well. You were so bloody smart as well - you could solve any problem.

Your funeral was awesome. There were so many kids there whose lives you affected. So much love and sorrow in the room. I could help but smile at times to see just the range of people you knew and connected with who came to say good bye to you. I was so sacred sitting there watching you in the casket - wanting to look at you but not wanting to look at what clearly was not you anymore. The life and spark that was Peter was not there. Your family was so broken at having lost you. Your friends supported each other through the tears with hugs and eventually stories came out from things you had done or said and we all laughed and smiled.

You may be gone but I can truly attest to the fact you are not forgotten. I visited your grave today, and plan to do so more often. I am not sure why I stayed away for so long. Maybe it was because I felt forgettable to most people in life. Maybe it was because I wanted to remember the silly and special moments in our lives, not a patch of grass and a block of stone. Either way, I will visit more often and we can have a catch up chat.

Ah, Rob. Loud, sweet, funny, silly, kind and open hearted Robert. You were just far too damn young to die. It is and was so incredibly unfair . I know God takes the angels he needs in heaven but to have a real angel live amongst us was delightful. Rob could be counted on to be polite, to listen when you spoke and take an interest in what was said whether you were a friend, teacher or someone who wanted to be his friend. He loved to laugh and make others feel like they wanted to laugh. He told me many times 'oh miss you just gotta relax' and the most frustrating thing was that at 11 years old he was so bloody right.

I envied him and his group of 'bhoys' - I envied 11-12 years olds because they were living in the present while my feet were stuck in concrete. These boys were mischievous and most of the time I wanted to smack and hug them all at the same time. I could learn so much from them.

Your visitation, funeral and burial were very hard. I spoke to your dad , we might run together in May in your honour. (uh-oh what have we done!) and your mother as well as other family members. You had friends, admirers, teammates and of course 'your boys' were there.

It was so sad to see you laying there, that was not you. I could see that your spirit had left your body a long time ago and was dancing around the earth watching us said good bye to you and you could almost feel him letting us know that he was going to be ok. Your boys were so strong supporting each other, the little ones and of course the adults around. How lucky you must have been to have such a close group of friends. How they can tell each other they love each other so freely is something I aspire to.

Rob has left us far too soon but I had the thought that today Peter was up there waiting to welcome him and I just pictured the two kind hearted but silly pranksters getting into all sort of trouble up there. It makes me smile to think they would have somehow found each other. I know they are not alone up there and I will never 'walk alone' knowing that they will always be there beside me somehow.

Boys, I promise to take your lessons of being open and laughing when the mood strikes, being silly when the situation is just a silly one and of telling those around them how I felt about and use these lessons in my own life. You may have only been in my life for a short time but you both left a mark on my soul and have your own space in my heart so that I can carry you around forever.

Just try not to annoy too many people up there.....save some of that fun for me when I reach you!

I will never walk alone....

and La was right.

2009-08-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

I am feeling. I have no clue what I am feeling as I cannot seem to name or recognize what these sensations are in me. Right now it just feels like energy inside of me pulsating and zapping me here and there. I tend to label it as anxiety or anger (sometimes it errs on the side of irritation and others straight out anger).

Yesterday it started as feeling unsettled when I woke up due to some rather odd dreams I have been having lately (I think maybe stuff is being processed through my dreams that I do not know about consciously). It then went to feeling anxious and finally the irritation and constant thinking came. The weirdest thing?...My thinking was so convoluted and non stop that I could not even decipher what I was thinking about - I just was aware I was thinking and it was NOT positive.

Today is more of the same with less irritation. I do notice that I am feeling though.

I have some serious old coping strategies that I want to fall back on which are not healthy and are not going to happen. Eating my emotions or eating to stop the sensations I was having was one of my favourite old tricks. I even tried when I was feeling so craptastic yesterday to eat some crap - ice cream. I know ice cream is not my go to junk food but still it has done the trick before. This time it felt empty. I ate some and the energy zipping around me would not be ignored or drowned this time. It stayed there waiting for me.

It waited for me as if to say...sure go ahead and try to ignore me. It won't work anymore as I am you and you are me. We need to do this together.

So now that I know I need to walk through the fire and water...how do I feel? LOL! I wish I could articulate it - I feel anxious and irritated but wait....what is that one? I think it is hope

Thanks La for the message you sent once. You might not even realize it but way back when I read it you handed me a key. I had to find the door and now I am standing in front of it with the key burning a hole in my hand. Next step is coming soon, I can not only feel it but I might be powerless to stop it this time. (and this is a good thing;)

Hey! Look at the mirror...it is me! An introduction to Co-Dependecy

2009-07-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS CO-DEPENDECY

* an overdeveloped sense of responsibility enabling one to be more concerned about others than oneself

I had a tough time with this one because I was always taught to be compassionate and help others. So I asked how you know you are crossing the line from normal to codependency and was told to ask yourself this question "Am I working harder on their issue/problem than them?"...if the answer is yes then yes you are being co-dependent.

* a loss of ability to "feel" or openly express feelings

Yes, Yes and a big Yessssssssssss for me

* an isolation from others and a fear of authority figures

Yes. I isolate a lot and not so much fear authority figures but a strong desire for their approval

* a great need for approval others to the expense of personal identity

Yes. I have often changed my thinking/acting so that I fit in with the things they like. I have done that with cycling, cheerleading. clothing, etc. It is not that they tell me I have to do/try these things to be friends with them. It is just that I see them getting so much enjoyment out of an activity that I figure I would too. I need to figure out what gives me enjoyment.

* a fear of angry people and an avoidance of personal criticism

Yes when people are angry I get really scared. I mean really scared. I mind read and assume it is me they are mad at or me they will take their anger out on . I take personal criticism as a condemnation of my core instead of related to the situation/behaviour they are talking about in isolation.

* a harsh self judgement creating a low self esteem

Uh ya. Nuff said

* A view of oneself as a victim, which influences both love and friendship relationships

Will comment on after the next point

* a confusion of love with pity and an attraction to people who can be pitied or rescued

Ok I kept these two together because I confuse love and pity and the need to be rescued for people caring for me. Since I feel that I am only of worth in people's life if I am helping them I feel that in order for people to love me I must need to be rescued/helped. I think it is also my push/pull with authority figures. Wow, what a messed up way of thinking

*an over-reaction to change over which there is no personal control

Not as much

* a terror of abandonment with an over-commitment to "hang on" to interpersonal relationships

hmmm.....I do hang on to relationships that are not good for me or are one sided but do not have a terror of abandonment

* an extreme loyalty, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved

sort of

* an addiction to excitement that creates a "reactor" instead of an "actor" life pattern

hmmmm maybe in the same way I said sort of to the other ones

* a chemically dependent lifestyle, marriage to a chemically-dependant partner(or both chemically dependent), or acceptance of another compulsive trait (such as being a workaholic_ to fulfill personal needs

Nope

* an experience of guilt feelings when one stands up for self instead of giving in to others

Yes. However I have been getting better with this over the past few years

Even more from relationships class

2009-07-24T19:28:00.000-07:00

The Parent/Adult/Child circle

Parent: the voice of morality, ethics, right and wrong
Adult: represents the intellectual part of the person
Child: represents the emotional part of the person

In your family of origin it is the family whom we live with as children. It is supposed to look like
P
A
C
Parent and the adult that the child can count on for guidance, love and boundaries. When abuse or other issues (health??) there can be a shift in care taking boundaries where the child becomes the person on top.

In your Family of Creation (the family we create as adults) it seems to be more P A C

In your Family within (our self talk) it should be P A
C

In your family within most adults get stuck acting in one of the three roles and not nurture themselves with the other roles. They seek out roles/situations/jobs etc. that reinforce whichever role they find themselves in and so it becomes hard to get out.

I know that in the first one the roles were pretty much the norm and I did not feel I had to do too much care taking. In my adolescent years when I found out my dad was a secret drinker I think I felt the need and desire to caretake.

In the family of creation....well I don't know as I don't really have one.

In the family within - I deal mainly live as the parent and adult and have a lot of trouble connecting to the child in the equation as it deals with emotions.

More from relationships

2009-07-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

Being Codependent

1. I have the right to say no without feeling guilty

2. I have to right to say I do not understand

3. I have the right to be wrong

4 I have the right to make mistakes and take responsibility for them

5 I have the right to be angry and to express anger in appropriate ways

6 I have the right to ask others to do things for me

7 I have the right to ask for help

8 I have the right to refuse additional responsibilities

9 I have the right to refuse a request

10 I do not have to apologize, feel guilty or make excuses for exercising my rights

11 I do not have to be liked by everyone

12 I do not have to compromise my personal integrity

Which of these am I guilty of?

I can be angry but not always express it in a proper way

I have trouble refusing a request

I have trouble refusing additional responsibilities

I think I have to be liked by everyone

....clearly some work to do in this area

FROM RELATIONSHIPS CLASS

2009-07-24T18:40:00.001-07:00

First Class: There was a discussion on the victim/.offender/rescuer triangle of roles. Themes that emerge from the triangle are: i) all 3 roles seem to share the same feelings, especially, those of anger and guilt ii) if people are on the triangle they often seem to move through all 3 roles and different times iii) relationships based on the triangle are based on inequality and disrespect.

The goal is to move off the triangle and into a more balanced, mutual, and respectful relationship patterns. To do this, one must be open about what emotions one is feeling and take responsibility of them.

I realize that I have been in each of these roles within both family and friends. I realize that I crave some of these roles because I don't know if people relate and need me because of who I am or because what role I can play in their life (rescuer?) and victim (in needing to be taken care of because that equals love to me)

In order to have authentic relationships I must move off this triangle and to do that I need to learn to accept, identify and communication my emotions.

More Learning on boundaries

2009-07-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

These are signs of unhealthy boundaries:

Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.
Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
Going against personal values or rights to please others.
Touching a person without asking.
Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
Letting others direct your life.
Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don’t want.
Being overwhelmed by a person- preoccupied with thoughts of them.
Letting others describe your reality and/or define who you are.
Self abuse
sexual, physical and emotional abuse
food and chemical abuse

Sadly I could check a lot of those off. I clearly have issues with setting healthy boundaries. I believe some of it stems from being afraid to hurt someone else or to be rejected by someone because I do not have the ability to set that boundary. I think that when making decisions about setting boundaries I need to spend more time identifying my feelings and not my thinking as my thinking will always spiral , and usually into the negative.

Lessons from Homewood p2

2009-07-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

From Communication Group: 4 styles of communication and their aims
Non assertive or passive: the aim is please others and avoid conflict at any cost. It results in a loss of self respect
Passive aggressive: to not own our own feelings and the aim is frustrate the wishes of others and display anger but own our anger
Aggressive: to stand up for a personal rights and express our feelings in such a way that the rights of others are violated. The aim is maintain control over people or situation
Assertive behaviour: to speak up for your rights in a way that does not offend the rights of others. The aim is maintain or increase our self respect not to get our own way.

You can use two scripts to help you be assertive; One is called WIN …when you(___) I feel ______________ I need ____________

Or DESC it is called: Describe “when you yelled at me in front of our friends”
Express “:I feel invalidated and like a child”
Specify what you want “ I want you to never speak to me like that again”
Consequences; In that when you speak to me in a respectful manner your words will be heard.

We also learned about boundaries this week. There are diffuse boundaries where people are vague and do not protect themselves. They need to be liked and to be liked means to be giving all the time – often put others needs ahead of theirs, they tend to feel hurt, vulnerable, unsafe, abused, angry etc. Their behaviours is people pleaser, easy target for abuse, rescuer, caregiver, anxious and depressed.
There are rigid boundaries where a wall is built, thoughts are, relationships will lead to hurt, so I will cut people out of my life. I have trusted before but I always get hurt – being alone is better than taking a risk. They feel mistrust, fear, angry, lonely and low self esteem. Their behaviour dominant in maintaining distance from people and are loners
There are Flexible boundaries which allow protection and connection

I learned that I use both diffuse and rigid a lot in my life. I need to learn to set and keep better boundaries in my life with people.

What I am learning at Homewood

2009-07-23T18:54:00.000-07:00

From Leisure and lifestyle: we all have 3 main areas in our lives, productivity(the have to do’s in our lives), self care (the need to do’s in our lives) and leisure (the want to do in our lives) and these are not 3 equal circles but continue to change throughout our days and weeks – but that if one circle is taking over our life it is not good. People with depression and anxiety tend to drop leisure and self care first or that those things become so hard that they feel like productivity. Also there are 3 leisure zones – the rejuvenation zone (being vs. doing activities) the comfort zone (safe and familiar – but can lead to feeling stuck if it becomes habitually in a negative way) and the growth zone (challenge and adventure----playing in the trees!!!) I am not sure how I fit all these but this class has made me think about the things I do and consider leisure. I need to think more about it.

From Self Esteem – I have horrid self talk!!! The four types are the worrier (promotes anxiety) and the favourite expression is “ What if…, The critic (promotes low self esteem) and the favourite expression is “what a disappointment you are – that was stupid etc.” The victim (promotes depression) and the favourite expression is “I can’t or I will never be able to” The perfectionist (promotes chronic stress and burnout) and the favourite expression is “ I should, I have to or I must” I learned that other than the critic I do all the other three – a lot. I do this to myself. I am not sure why as I cannot pin point the people/situations that taught me this. I *think* two main teachers when I was in my younger years are big factors.

Ways to counter negative self talk are: Notice you are doing it – stop yourself and challenge the thought with the some or all of the following statements ( what is the evidence for this? Is this ALWAYS true? Has this been true in the past? What are the odds of this really happening – or really being true?, What is the very worst thing that could happen? What is so bad about that? What would I do if the worst happened? Am I looking at the whole picture? Am I being fully objective?)

2009-06-15T04:40:00.000-07:00

Today I spent time with some wonderful people and a friend's bridal shower. It was a beautiful day outside with the sun hot and a bit of a breeze to let the hair fly in the wind as you drove.
The day was started with a nice drive with a friend to the event venue. Once there it was a sea of oranges and yellows and gerber daisies- some of my favourite things. The girl the shower for is just such a sweetie and could feel that everyone in the room felt that way.
The food was delicious, my table with my coworkers was fun and the mood joyous. I was able to fully be in the moment and it felt beautiful.

Avoidance is NOT a good life technique

2009-06-07T05:14:00.000-07:00

I avoid

I cancel

I drop out

I avoid

..I guess most of those words could be written in the past sense as I am trying not to live like that anymore. I am trying to say yes to life. I am thinking of this as today I had to cancel because my car battery is dead. However with my past I feel like a flake and feel that is what my friends are thinking. I cannot blame them because due to my anxiety I have cancelled many, many and oh for fun let's just give it one more MANY times with lame excuses. BUT THIS TIME IT IS TRUE.

-----have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf????--------

Yes, this is my feeling today. I cried wolf so much, not for fun or spite like the little boy in the story but because there WAS A WOLF. There really was. It was not a real wolf for anyone else to be afraid of but it was a wolf inside of me. It was just as terrifying, if not more, as a teeth baring snarling wolf bearing down on you. I say more because I was the only one that could see this wolf and its dangers. Oh, its dangers seemed so freaking real to me that I would shake with fear and then wonder why no one else could see this wolf. The shame of only me seeing and feeling it made that wolf bigger and scarier. THERE WAS A WOLF, the wolf was my mind. I cried wolf but I thought there really was one but since no one else could see or understand it I was as good or just as pathetic as the boy who cried wolf.

Today my car battery died and I could not go see some fellow athlete's compete in a triathlon. However because I have bailed before how on earth could they think this was any different?

It does not feel much different to me.

I guess instead of seeing the horror and savageness of the wolf I can look into its eyes and see strength and spirituality of it. Why does there have to be one or the other - life exists in dualities. God is both merciful and just.

I think part of me needs to not only understand this wolf inside of me but share it with others so it does not have as much power over me.

Hmm, this post took a very different turn from what I expected to write about.

Is there a way ?

2009-05-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

Do I try to build NEW bridges or do I REPAIR the ones I burnt/broke in the past few years? This is on my mind a lot lately and I need to go one way or the other as it is getting pretty lonely here.

Feeling like my spunk is coming back.

2009-05-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

Update

2009-05-17T15:40:00.000-07:00

Nike's message of Just Do It needs to be tattooed on my forehead.
Stop thinking, stop worrying and JUST DO IT.

Right now I am unhappy with my life in many ways. I known things could be a thousand times worse and I am grateful for what I do have. However I do need to allow some changes to come into my life. The two biggest ones are I need to let people into my life and I need to allow myself to be in their lives. I am desperate for personal connections yet utterly terrified by them at the same time. (kinda works against me...the duality)

I am unhappy with the weight I have gained in the past year -15+ pounds. I would like to say it is due to the medication and maybe some of it is but in full disclosure it is also from going from swimming/running/biking/trainer time to a full stop and some crappy and inconsistent eating habits.

I could list many other areas I am not content with but to put it plain and simple I am in a rut and have been for several years. However desiring a change and understanding I need a change and accepting that change or even creating it is where I stumble and falter.

I started medication - cymbalta about 6 months ago and it was a big step for me after having bad previous experiences with medications. A large part of me wanted the trial to be a huge disaster so I could be justified in resisting them all these years. Another part of me was worried they would work and all these years I denied myself the chance at becoming fully me. Cymbalta is supposed to address both the depression and anxiety that seems to always be in my life. I will be honest when I admit I do believe it has helped. My lows are not as low and my general/social anxiety seems to have reduced (now if I could just have somewhere or someone to go out with!). So I will stay on the meds. I also see my pdoc who gave me the prescription for the meds and have also applied to a 6 week in patient program that has a long waiting list. What do I ultimately want? I want to be engaged in life, not wanting it (if that makes sense)

Today: *May 17th 30 mins on the elliptical* not left the house today as no where to go or no one to go with* home goals: organize/clean bathroom and make a grocery list * seek out a few 5K's for the summer to meet my goal of getting my 5K time under 30mins

Opportunity

2009-05-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

I have named this photo opportunity. When I think why I will blog about it.

There is lots I can do with 1.5 hands

2009-04-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

So it is fractured and if the bone scan results come
back in a certain way(not sure what that means),
a cast could be on me for 12 weeks. 12!! That means
July:( No swimming or yoga sucks.

In the past week I realized with one hand I can:
Get washed.

Get dressed.

Brush my teeth.

Wash my hair with the help of kitchen hose

Drive(come on, who doesn't drive mainly with one hand.

Write with a marker.

Do dishes if I have to...but going to move to paper plates I think

Life ain't so bad:)

So the clipping in and out was not too bad..the fall hurt!

2009-04-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

Today was the way I was going to get on my bike and try to learn to clip in and out. I got up and had some breakfast, got the bike off the trainer, got on some bike clothes and decided to head out before thinking about it too long. I had not planned on going far so I did not have any bodyglide or cycling shorts on.
I am sure that I clipped out way too early at most lights, stop signs, practice stops but I figure better safe than sorry for the first few times. I was feeling pretty good and pretty excited to be out for my first outdoor ride of the season. I am out of shape on my bike but that is ok because that can be fixed with training. There were a few times where I felt I could not keep riding but again that has more to do with my first ride and me needing to put more time in the saddle than anything else. At one point on the way back I was ready to stop and sit for a bit and then I came across McKay Blvd and somehow for some reason (wink wink) I felt a push to go on.
I found some great stretches of the road where I did not have to stop too much but practiced clipping in and out - out is by far easier than in but I managed it.

I was coming up to the end of my ride (21.5K) and turned into my condo and the gatehouse guy was putting the gate up and down, up and down so I decided to stop and walk my bike the rest of the way...ya STOP...and forgetting I was clipped in I fell right in front of the gatehouse security guy. He just sat there and then came out of the gatehouse and said "Uh are you ok?" I then explained I had been practicing with my new shoes...and did GREAT ..until now LOL!

Great things: I got out on the bike and enjoyed it - and did not freak out. I fell and did not die of pain or embarrassment.

Not so great: my wrist freaking hurts and is swelling like crazy despite icing

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE THE GREATS FAR OUT WEIGHT THE NOT SO GREAT!!!!

Meatless tacos and a meaty me

2009-04-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was carving tacos. I have given up red meat and both stores I went to did not have ground turkey as an option. I usually mix the Yves with some regular meat but tonight in the spirit of trying to give up what I am supposed to I used just the Yves. It was not horrible but it was not 'taco' tasting. I guess the taste buds need to just adjust.

On a meaty me...sigh. I have been having two really low self image days. I just feel so round and rotund and chubby and unhealthy looking and feeling. Just one of those times where you cannot feel comfortable in your own body. I feel every extra pound of fat. Somehow lately these pounds feel of shame and disgust.

There is always tomorrow.

This is what I am craving today...HARD

2009-04-15T16:54:00.000-07:00

I can't? Then I want.....and want it bad

2009-04-14T15:53:00.001-07:00

I want a burger, a freshly homemade burger...not a patty from some cheap fast food joint but a burger. Oh and add some fries and onion rings and either a side of Diet Coke or a chocolate peanut butter shake ..what the heck - give me both.

I had chicken for lunch and chicken for dinner - but I want meat!!!!!! I don't really eat a lot of red meat but now that I am supposed to give it up - I want it.

I also want some dairy - a tall glass of milk and of course some ice cream.

I always want what I cannot have.

Isn't this a pretty merry go round?

2009-04-12T13:32:00.000-07:00

BE WARNED...THIS IS A POST ABOUT MY IBS AND BOWEL ISSUES

After another not fun few hours of cramping, pain and at one point pouring a cold water bottle over my head as I sat on the toilet I am again thinking about my diet. I can go dairy free pretty easily. I eat cheese and yogurt but that is about it. I rarely have ice cream and can give it up (ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooo what about Blizzard Day????) don't drink milk or any other dairy. The yogurt will be a change as I often used it as an easy lunch to mix with some walnuts and fibre 1 cereal and at times berries.

Meat - red meat? Hmm hard to give up but I do love chicken. I am going to say the odd burger will be ok at a bbq and then it will be trial and error. If after not eating red meat for a long time then I have some and it really hurts then out it goes. I can do tacos with the ground soy and vegan cheese.

I am going to try to make the brown rice pasta tonight with some steamed veggies. Hope it tastes ok.

Ohhhhhhh loook at the pretty 'horsies' go by on the Merry go round...right now it feels like a punishme go round BUT I was not the person whose apartment had to be visited by the coroner so I guess some dietary adjustments and some humiliating time on the toilet can be put into perspective.

Wonder how this will or will not affect my weight loss goals and fitness goals.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

Ugh..is this rock bottom finally? Can I climb up and lose weight?

2009-04-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

I put this picture up because I wanted to delete it. I wanted to delete it because this photo shows just how much weight I have gained. Yes, it is a bad angle etc. etc. my hair could have been done nicer etc. I could offer a thousand reasons this is a horrible photo, but the biggest reason is not found in this picture. It is found in my reaction to this photo.

Sigh. Spring cleaning/cleansing starts tomorrow.

Ok pity party and ranting over

2009-04-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

I have IBS, I have depression, I have anxiety issues. I also have wonderful freckles, blue eyes and I love to laugh. None of these will change. However the former list hit me hard today and made me lose sight, for most of the day, of the joyful and beautiful parts of me.

May I always strive to be present in the moment and not bring the pain in one area of my life/body into my whole being.

Sometimes in my pettiest moments I wish this on you

2009-04-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in my most petty moments I wish things on you. I wish you IBS attacks, anxiety attacks, depression and social anxiety. Those ain't exactly Hallmark card moments.

I guess I truly don't wish it upon you but more than anything else I wish you would experience it for a few moments. I never wish it upon anyone to take this burden forever. I just wish at times that people would realize it really affects everything about your life. How it makes you feel like a failure, a loser, that no matter how hard you fight it will always show up in the ring to face you down once again. I feel like I have kicked it's ass and then again I turn around and there it is.

The pain of the cramps, the humiliation of having to be close to a toilet at home just in case I cannot make it to one out in public. The embarrassment of having to find reasons to tell you I cannot go somewhere (yet again, I know, believe me I fucking know) because I don't want to have to tell you I have the cramping runs yet again. The panic that grips my emotions as the cramping wraps itself around my bowels as I wonder just how long this attack is going to last and how much it will take out of me physically and mentally.

I guess I also sometimes wish it upon other because then if someone else has it then it means I don't.

Sorry to be so evil and malicious as to wish anything upon you.

It's just that, well I don't feel like I can do it anymore.

My body hates me

2009-04-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

My IBS is back. For the past few weeks I have been having intermittent attacks. I am not eating unhealthy and I have been exercising as well so I am pretty disheartened and maybe even angry right now.

It affects me mentally, it affects me socially, if affects me anxiety wise and it surely affects my mood as it seems to be unpredictable at times.

I want to get along with my body but it seems it hates me.

I am waving the white flag right now

What a shrinking buffet I see before me ..or not?

2009-04-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lately about my fertility again as more friends are announcing their first, second or third pregnancies. I still do not know if I truly want to have children or it is just the fact that this is another life stage that seems to be not on my buffet options but clearly is on mostly all others buffets and I am feeling rather annoyed and jealous.

I HATE that word, jealous. But, sigh, I guess I need to make a confession that I am jealous. In fact I am so jealous at times it is in a hold my breath and stamp my feet kind of childish way. I even sometimes want to whine "How come SHHHHHHHHHHEEE gets a baby? How come sheeeeeeeee gets a husband????" and then cross my arms and wait for a really damn good answer.

I guess there is not going to be a good answer - sometimes I feel like I am in a Chinese buffet place expecting there to be rice, dumplings, sesame chicken, sweet and sour chicken, fortune cookies and the like. However I seem to be standing in front of tacos, enchiladas, guacamole, rice and beans and the like. I am looking at this wondering why everyone else in the restaurant seems to be walking around with plates full of Chinese food and bitter and sad I did not get that option. However, here in front of me are the riches of another set of choices.

Is it that I just want what I cannot have or that I don't want different choices?

Stain removal

2009-03-28T10:09:00.000-07:00

Cancer (June 22 — July 22)
You've been lugging around a big black trunk full of toxic emotional materials. A contentious issue in your life is rooted in old dramas that are best abandoned. You'll never regret dropping what you now need to drop.

This is today's horoscope. I have taken to checking it daily. I know that a lot of the time they are general statements that can be applied to any and most situations and the words will have impact in numerous ways to many individuals. I do not plan my life surrounding it or change my plans (plans...hahaha! like most days I have plans - NOT) according to any promises or warnings contained in the few sentences ascribed to my star sign.

Lately though my horoscope has been what I have been thinking in my head even before reading it. I have been thinking a lot lately of the toxicity I CHOOSE to carry around without fully understanding it nor knowing how to rid myself of this. Today's horoscope made me wonder if I really need to know the full extent of what situation(s) keep me rooted in regret, shame, anger, fear and a feeling of not being good enough to let others get close or to allow myself the gift of accepting others offers of intimacy/friendship.

I am thinking today if I just start acting the way I want to I will invite more experiences that bring that into my life as well. If I drop the feelings and thoughts that come from my past without fully understanding them and start replacing them with new thoughts, experiences and beauty can things change without a full reckoning with the demons inside my head?

Not the most pleasant post but it is on my mind...

2009-03-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

As the title says this is not the most pleasant post but it is truly on my mind.

I am reading a book where two teens from

really close families form a suicide pact that for one is successful and the other lives.

It's got me thinking about my grandfather and other people who intend on committing suicide and are successful in their intention. I remember flirting with it and cutting myself when I was younger and I know in my deepest depressions it has been there in the horizon of my mind and has gripped my heart and soul with an iron fist demanding attention. I have always thought of it in the past that were tough and when the thought came to my mind I would recall everything that has happened to me or in the world since that thought and all I would have missed. I think of my nieces and god daughter and even my students and just the thought of them being told or finding out of my actions just makes me physically sick. Sick and ashamed enough to beg those thoughts in my mind to quiet down.

However tonight what has been tip-toeing around my mind and not wanting to settle into silence has been those last moments, the moment where the decision is no longer yours and the inevitable will happen. Without getting too graphic and morbid the moments when a trigger is pulled, a chair is kicked or the pills are in your body and you lose consciousness and the ability to get help. In those last minutes, how much fear is there? Is there indecision? Is there regret? Is there terror?

I have no idea what led to my grandfather's suicide. I know little of his life as an ocean separated us and my family is not super close. I can guess and surmise reasons from what I have heard in stories about him and his life but I don't know. I have never had the courage to talk about it with my mother. I just might one day.

I wonder though, in those last moments where his actions moved from intentional to beyond his control did he want to stop it but couldn't? Or was there a version of happiness (that was even a hard word to type) in realizing it was almost over? Was he thinking of himself or of anyone else? What was he thinking? Feeling? Seeing? Hearing?

Making any decision I cannot reverse terrifies me and for some reason this has been playing in my head when I try to fall asleep at night.

May my grandfather and all those other souls who were tortured or in pain rest in peace.

And there I was candy cane stockings and all..

2009-03-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

This is a post about my gyno visit so be warned before you read it.

For some unknown reason as I was getting ready today I put on my knee high candy cane stockings under my pants. I was so grouchy this morning so I thought it would be a silly fun thing to do and it did make me giggle.

However as I walked into Dr. S's office calmer than I normally am I thought about my socks. I was about to be laying up there with the feet in the stirrups and he always asks you to not take your socks off as the stirrups are usually pretty cold. I was going to be laying up there bare assed and in knee highs!!!!! lol!

So there are more tests to be done. I am concerned but trying to keep it in perspective. Each time I go to worry I will just recall the Dr's face when he came in and I had on my socks and giggle.

Invisible visiblity

2009-03-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

I have complained for a long time about feeling invisible. And I do feel invisible to others. I feel like Velcro and people just pull me off and stick me where they need me. I know part of this was felt with a recent event where I felt very persona non grata because I was not at the same lifestyle stage they were at. I realized that it was not me that they did not want there, in fact I think they were happy to see me but they just did not know how to talk to me. The me they still think of is me in high school not the me now, the 'me' they are has changed..they are mothers and wives and talk about potty training, trying new foods, cute stories etc. I did feel invisible that day. I tried to get in the conversation but I kept getting pushed out or talked over. It is funny though that even though it felt crappy I was still happy I went.

Post took a bit of a detour...lol! I was thinking while I grocery shopped that I am invisible but I have worked so very hard to make myself that way. I did that alone. It may have been in response to some situations and people who did make me feel that way but I took that message and put my own truth to it and made it my truth and that was wrong and in some ways a cop out. It was easier to take this truth and hold onto it and cultivate it than to fight back and find what in me was strong and passionate. I made it true and I made it an essential belief about myself. For this I am deeply ashamed and regretful but regret, guilt and shame are useless emotions and these emotions will keep me longer in this phase instead of breaking out of it.

The breakthrough thought for today. I worked hard at reinforcing the belief I was invisible - why would I think it will be so simple to shine - maybe both take work.

Saddle up - this could be a bumpy ride but this time I am in the driver's seat!

One stubborn lady

2009-03-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

For days it looked like Nana was going to let go. Then out came her stubbornness as she had her boys all around her and she turned another corner. Nana is now back at home with her home health care that comes, I believe, 3 or 4 times a day. Right now she has one of her sons and his wife with her. Night time is when she is the most afraid as she can get herself scrunched up into a spot and not be able to get out of it until the morning shift comes.

Nana, you are one tough lady.

Next stop...conquering fears one by one

2009-03-19T18:44:00.001-07:00

I have not rode the subway in quite awhile. The being underground and the possibility of it breaking down or even stopping between stations has terrified me for ages. I have taken it one or two stops in the past couple of years and throughout the whole time I have been rigid with fear or trembling horridly.

Today I tried again. I was determined to be in the moment and notice what was around me and see what happened. I was walking around and had decided to go from Yonge and Bloor to Dundas, which meant 3 stops. I also decided to not do my previous safety deal of sitting at the front of the train to see the next station. I would just get on and see what happens. I had my fare in my pocket for most of the day. When the time came I was not as nervous as I thought. I had done this millions of times before. I used to take the subway and bus all over the east end and downtown - no big deal. But then things changed and I turned into this Lesley who was afraid of everything. So now this Lesley today decided she is going to try to knock out the fears one at a time. Today, subway - at least a start.

I put my fare in the box, went through the turnstile and found the southbound train. I waited a few minutes and heard and felt it come into the station. I got on, found a place to stand and well other than that it was nothing too spectacular. I looked around at the people around me, the ads on the walls, the subway itself and felt - OK. I was aware I was out of my comfort zone but was not nearly as bad as I have been before or what I expected to be.

I wrote this:

Doors closing

People talking

lots of movement

going southbound

but feeling north

transportation simple

breaking boundaries

but shattering fears

careening in a metal

tube as my heart pounds

people pressing close to

different languages and smells

and I feel strong.

She would look so much better with freckles...

2009-03-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

Freckles: By Natasha Beddingfield

I used to care so much about what others think about

Almost didn't have a thought of my own

The slightest remark would make me embark

On the journey of self doubt

But that was a while ago

This girl has got stronger

If I knew then what I know now

I would have told myself don't worry any longer it's OK

[Chorus:]'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars

Why waste a second not loving who you are

Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,

They show your personality inside your heart

Reflecting who you are

Who you are

I wondered if I could trade my body with somebody else in magazines

Would the whole world fall at my feet?

I felt unworthy and would blame my failures on the ugliness

I could seeWhen the mirror looked at me

Sometimes I feel like the little girl who doesn't belong in her own world

But I'm getting better

And I'm reminding myself

[Chorus]

Reflecting who you areReflecting who you are

Hmmm Whoooooo whoa hmmmm oooooo

[Chorus]

Poke....and exclusion and imagination and healing

2009-03-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

"I Bruise Easily" - by Natasha Beddingfield

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defences down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily

Can't scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I'll never know

So I'm learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

[Chorus]
Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you So be gentle..

[Chorus]
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I was running the other day and this song came on my shuffle play list. I had forgotten about it. I almost stopped running to listen to it. The song is so me. I do bruise easily. I apparently do not come across like I do bruise easily but I most certainly do. Sometimes the bruises are self inflicted in that I am hard on myself and other times they are self inflicted in terms of me being too sensitive with other people and either magnifying hurts or at times imagining them.

Lately I have been feeling very shut out and not welcome in a place I really enjoy. I have been trying to figure out if it is just me or something I have done or a combination of both, or neither. I just feel really unsettled about it. I guess a large part of it is because I don't have much of an 'outside' life and this was a large part of my social interaction. I know that sounds pretty sad and it is. I know that. I guess that part of it was good in terms of it is making me seek real life socialization. But I thought I was important and liked there. Not more important or more liked than others just liked and important.

I also paid a lot of attention to the part in the song that says people can either heal or hurt your heart and I realize I have not been giving people that chance to do either as I have kept everyone at length from my heart. In doing that I have hurt my heart. I have not healed it.

I do believe there are more healthy spots than bruised spots in my life and that the bruises can fade away - if I stop poking at them.

Cymbals part 2: The increased volume

2009-03-11T05:30:00.001-07:00

Ugh. Increased dosage is kicking my ass.

Ugh and ick and :(

Go gentle into that good night

2009-03-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

I cannot stop thinking about you Nana. You are never far from my thoughts in the past few years. I know that we are separated by an ocean and have been for most of my life. You have come to visit me and I you. I don't remember much of our visits from when I was younger as that is just the way it is with me. I don't remember. How can it be that I don't remember yet there is this connection between us?

I just know that had we shared the same geography that we would have been closer. I would have come to have tea with you and talk about things. I would have talked with you about things I could not tell my parents or friends and you would listen. I would have gotten to know more about you as a child and how you fell in love with my papa and what it was like raising 4 boys, what it was like to lose your husband at such a young age. I would have loved to share with you and for you to have shared with me.

I know that you are weary and ready to go. I know that you believe God has a plan for you. I believe that too. I so wish we could just have had one more visit, one more phone call. I so want to pray that you will get better so we can have that together but I just cannot be that selfish.

Nana, you have your sons around you. You have your family and your friends (oh my lord Nana, I would be so lucky to have the amount of genuine friends that you have in your life) and you are tired. Your body is tired and is hurting you. If you feel that God is calling you home, then answer. Please know that you will be so very, very missed but don't hold on for us.

I love you so very much and I will cherish seeing your face when I surprised you in your room the other summer when we had not seen each other for 10 years. I will cherish your smile and the sparkle in your eye when you met the girls and when you saw Paul and Ida. I will cherish the delighted smile you had when we brought you your favourite strawberry tarts. I will hold dear to my heart the way you held my hand and we said good bye to each other. I will hold tightly to the promise you feel is there for you, that God will take you to a better place. A place that already holds so many dear to your heart. I will trust that I know have another angel in heaven.

Nana, as you lay there I pray that when you pass on that your family is with you and that you know those of us who are on the other side of the ocean are there too. I may not be there to hold your hand or lay my hand upon you but know that I am. I feel you Nana, I hope you feel me.

When the time comes, know that you are loved, know that you are safe, know that you will be OK, and that we will too. Know that there is beauty and love and peace waiting for you in heaven. Know that we will be sad but that soon we will remember you with love, beauty and peace even when there are tears in our eyes.

Go gentle into that good night, you will be safe, you will be loved. It is OK to let go when the time comes. We will hold onto your memory, you can let go. When the time comes know that you were loved.

The bigger picture with the details

2009-02-27T11:15:00.000-08:00

So with the Lenten season upon us I have been spending some time during reflecting on myself and my contribution to this world.

I got as far as reflecting on myself then sort of stopped. Part of the reason I stopped was that I realized that with fasting from certain things during Lent it made me realize how much I wrapped myself up in others perceptions of me and how I took on those perceptions (be those real or imagined/exaggerated). I looked around at my books, my bike, my apartment, even my thoughts and realized that largely those are in my life due to other's interests.

I am not saying that I do not enjoy some of the things around me but I realized that those were just things. I need to find out what I truly feel and love and am passionate about.

Before this thought overwhelmed me and made me feel despondent and depressed. However now I feel like I am a kid in a candy store or an artist in front of a large palette of colours, excited about diving in and testing the flavours and colours to see what I like. I feel like I am standing in front of the ocean for the first time in my life and I am running towards the shore to dip my toes in to feel this new sensation.

Will each puzzle piece fit together to make a bigger picture or will I just enjoy putting each piece into its place?

Hide and seek

2009-02-25T13:49:00.000-08:00

http://tryingtobeabetterme.blogspot.com/

This is my old blog...I forgot about it. I wanted to link it hear so that I can always find it as there are some writing selections here that I enjoy and also because there are some pieces/themes that are important to my healing.

My Store: a piece I wrote before and a new reflection

2009-02-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

In an alley through the streets I did walk until my feet carried me to a path into the trees. The steps I took were measured and sure. I chanced upon a window inside a tree.

A tree house with winding steps. I climbed them surrounded by oak and maple. The shelves held books filled with words and pictures. The bindings inviting me to finger and glance at their stories.

I held a few in my hand before putting them back. To my breast I clasped a book that was thick with pages and dark with colour.

The scent of tea danced around me. I held a cup in my hand, clasped the book to my breast and gazed upon the fairy on the upper shelf.

I put the book back and left the room to go and write my own story.

I wrote this awhile back and was looking at it to examine the symbolism. So decided to free associate.

Tea: comfort, warmth, nourishment, community, stories shared, friendship, hot scalding, have to wait, routine

Fairy: beauty, make believe, childhood, fantasy, utopia, gentle, magic, locked in time, delicate, in between a child and an adult.

Book: closed, open, changing, stories shared and changed, safety, agoraphobia, truth, lies, fact, fiction, safety, unwritten.

Hello, my name is.

2009-02-16T07:14:00.000-08:00

By now you'd think I would have realized that there is not someone out there who will figure it out for me. For so/too long I've pinned my hopes that a friend/lover/teacher/mentor would come along, spend time with me and that would be it. They'd talk, observe, 'feel', and they'd reach into a great big velvety bag, they'd rummage around pulling each out and mulling it over. They'd ponder, look, read, cluck and 'tsk' and shake their heads with resolution and place each back in the bag. Then they'd look at me again and delve into the folds of the bag, feeling this time with their hands, not reading at all but just staring into my eyes while feeling around. Then, then out it would come they would trace their fingers over it and with the other hand they touch my cheek and smile that wry smile as if they wondered why they ever needed to root through the bag and they would pin it to me and say "Yes Lesley, yes this is you....how serendipitous' and that would be it and I'd finally meet me.

Dancing with the ghosts.

2009-02-15T08:16:00.000-08:00

*DISCLAIMER: The ghosts in this article bear resemblance to men who are/have been in my life. However for those that really know me...you would be surprised to know their identity. Ask please don't assume*

"Would you mind if I pretended we were somewhere else doing something we wanted to? Because all this living makes me want to die because I can't live with you and you don't even care....I'm weak in the knees for you but I'll stand if you want me to. My legs are strong and I'll move on if you want me to but..I'm weak, I'm weak in the knees ...for you...for you...for you. But I'll stand if you want me to , my legs are strong and I'll move on but oh honey, oh honey, oh honey..oh for you" (paraphrased lyrics from Serena Ryder)

The wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong moment, crossed feelings, mixed signals, fear of you, fear of me, fear of us. My, my, my how you three ghosts still roam the earth. Tread softly in your heavy boots inside my heart and occupy my memory. The thought of the three of you, the memories of the three of you, the dreams of the three of you, the many imaginings of courtships never courted, of kisses never shared but dreamt of so often , I can feel your lips upon mine, your arms so big and strong holding me, helping me, comforting me. How often I closed my eyes to hold back the tears and to keep the dreams inside alive. With closed eyes but a gaping open heart I've thought of each of you, the three of you and envisioned each of you.

YOU - so strong and righteous - so sure and so very strong. So passionate and resolved in you- in who you are and who you will be. So full of humility and arrogance all at once that I could never quite thinks straight in your presence. I fumbled and felt shy and silly and a little girl in a man's world. Your touch was both humbling and exhilarating at once. I longed, for your touch, a hand on my back, a hug, so safe I always felt for those brief moments ensconced in your grasp, a handshake or you could touch me with your eyes. A look in my direction, a lock on my eyes and my body came alive, my heart opened and my skin could barely contain the desires of my heart and body. I dreamt of you often that you'd take me to places my mind and body never knew possible. You'd teach, direct, and share a journey with me. I would bear your children and with you I'd know safety and love. Instead I think of you with her and I wish I could be jealous or angry but instead..instead I wish you love, comfort, passion and protection. And....and although she holds you..you still captivate me with just the mere thought of you.

And then there is YOU. The you I could never quite allow myself to realize my love for you. For you it is different that with him. For the longest time I did not even realize the depth of my affection for you. My gratitude, affection and pure utter frustration for you are inseparable. It seemed that all at once it hit me and I realized I had feelings for you. I had real feelings for YOU! For you! You! For goodness sake half the time I want to slap and strangle you. To hold you tight and even tighter when you resist. To be strong for you.. you who needs it most, but who nothing is ever good enough for. You who can reduce me to tears but who can in just a glance, make me giddy and desperate for your approval that I compromise all that I feel just to get your approval. Your approval that both mocks and haunts me at once. Like a unicorn your approval will never exist yet I still chase it. I was chasing you without fully knowing it. I would go to the ends of the earth to both find and avoid you. I close my eyes and try envision an 'us'. I can do that with the other two ghosts sitting on the perch. But you... with you I can only envision the kiss...slow and tentative at first and then deep and commanding with my fear that with just one kiss, one kiss you'd feel my soul and pull up all my fears, my dreams, my desires, my soul and lay it bare, judgement to follow...as terrifying as that is I want to close my eyes lean in and just fucking kiss you...sigh.

Then there is YOU. You simply belong to someone else. Someone we both love and care for. That alone makes me ashamed, fearful and guilty. I dream of you looking at me the way you look at her but never so arrogant to want to hurt or disrespect you or her. So I'll just watch and dream from afar. I'll dream this one dream I dream so often do. That you'll turn back and look at me and in your eyes I will see that you feel just as trapped and as in love as I do but you feel just as much love and respect for her as I do and then you'll look away-sad but also comforted that your secret is now a shared burden of shame and desire. Maybe when your alone you'll think of my lips on yours and you'll look into my face and see me melt..when you say my name ..but only in my dreams.

Sleep well my three ghosts...your presence thunders silently through the storm that is my heart..the rainstorm you've caused drowns the possibility of any new rainbows to appear ..to allow me to escape you .... you and you....

SLEEP FINALLY....SLEEP WELL...PLEASE.

Love. A word

2009-02-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

Love. A word. A simple four letter world.

A simple word to write and read, love it even seems to flow out nicely from a pen. However, the word, when given context, is beyond measure. It is a word that can take your breath away and breathe life into you. A word to build your life upon or a word that rips your life apart. A word that inspires fear or takes all power and passion that fear inspires in your heart and soul. Love can be full of rapture, kindness and passion while others define and experience 'love' through hate, jealousy and control. With so many facets to one word, one feeling, one decision.

Is it a wonder that this word both scares and confuses me?

L-O-V-E

May it find me again open to its powers.

The loud cymbals clanged...get it CYMBALs????

2009-02-07T06:38:00.000-08:00

HA-HA!
Day 1 is not bad so far - just a bit of Nausea and headache. I swear I spent 45mins staring at that sucker before I popped the pill into my mouth. I looked at it and remembered just how the other pills years ago made me feel when going on them and then off them. As soon as I put it in my mouth and swallowed it I immediately regretted it. I then realized it was not regret but panic and fear. I was and am truly afraid of the side effects. The fear is of the unknown was/is stronger. How will my life change from this pill? Will it? Won't it? Do I want it to? What will it mean to me if my life changes and I am not feeling fairly locked into my condo? I used my freak out time to visualize what I want my life to be like, connecting with others and not dealing daily with fear. I pictured myself camping for some reason.

Side effects? I am feeling really drowsy, had the chills for awhile today, headache and some nausea.

Journey continues as I just ingested the second pill....

Second day: Anxious..not liking it one bit. I am wondering if it is my fear of meds or just the fear of the unknown that this medication will bring to me. I also know that the more I take these pills, the more I feel I HAVE to take them so as to not upset my system. I had to struggle with this concept today..

Journey continues as I have just consumed the third pill.......

Day three: This is how I am feeling...dizzy! I am supposed to take my class on a field trip but I cannot go into work today. :howsad: It was a really cool slam/dub poetry trip!!!! I called the pharmacist and his suggestion was to take it much earlier in the night than 730. Guess I am going to bed much earlier for a bit since this makes me sleepy. I went back to sleep after deciding to not go to work. Had my co-workers not called to check in on me at 12:30pm I would have slept all day- not a good thing. Not as dizzy once I woke up.

Journey continues as I have just swallowed the fourth pill...

Day 4: ICK ICK ICK! I woke up again feeling dizzy and pukey but going to pack my gravol (childs dosage so I don't sleep through the day) and take it if I need it but going to go to work. I seem to be very nervous about work - is it due to side effects or do I fear having a panic attack or becoming overwhelmed? Ugh...think I am about to lose my breakfast...will try to write later.
I made it to work - felt pretty sweaty and shaky most of the the day but pushed through.

Journey continues as I have just let the fifth pill slide down my throat....

Day5: I feel like I have the flu. Chills, aches and somewhat anxious. I go see the doctor today who perscribed the medication to discuss how it is going so far. I am not sure if is or is not. I am willing to keep going for at least two weeks to see if these side effects even out. However we will see what the doctor says today.
Dr. said to stay the course.

Journey continues the sixth pill is making its way through my body.

Day 6: Not as much nausea. I have a bit of anxiety but think that is more about leaving the house than the pills. Let's see what fun (somewhat sarcastic) today brings! Don't want to jinx it but today went pretty darn well! I had dizziness and some confusion upon waking and a bout of nausea half way through the day for about 20mins. Hope this continues!

....so far it is continuing... I need to work on the timing of the pill though. I am now having a bit of a hard time going to sleep.

Rock bottom - is it a bad thing?

2009-02-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am currently looking down at the rocks....and wondering if chilling out amongst them might not be such a bad idea.....not in a pessimistic way but in a maybe I need to just do this kind of way...

What is your purpose?

2009-02-01T15:38:00.001-08:00

Mucho changes going in my head. I start medication this coming Friday, I am realizing I have feelings and that is ok, scary at times but ok. I am realizing I want my home space to be more functional and comforting. I am going through my place and doing a super cleaning. A super cleaning of the mind and the apartment. I sense a connection?? :)

So I think the best place to start is with the purpose for each room and what I need in the room to serve that purpose. I think this coming weekend will be a big clean as I plan to have no plans to see how my body reacts to the medication. I will start slow this week though. Here is my first plan...blog to updated as I go.

Kitchen:
Purpose: Prepare and enjoy food. I have a nice table I so rarely sit at. I eat on my couch or the floor in front of the television. I plan to eat one meal a day in my kitchen at my table. I am going to go through each of my drawers, cupboards and see what I use, what I don't and if there is anything I need. What I have that I do not need will be donated. I will try to keep the purchases to a minimum.
I need to paint my fridge and fix my dishwasher and kitchen sink tap. I can accomplish at least one of those in the next month. I also know that underneath my sink needs work due to some water leaking...I wonder how big a job that will be, in terms of both money and labour? I guess finding it out is better than not knowing?
I will also work on cleaning the walls and ceiling in my kitchen

Chasing it?

2009-01-26T09:26:00.000-08:00

Name that dream

2009-01-26T07:52:00.000-08:00

They are so far away I cannot even see them....

2009-01-26T06:37:00.000-08:00

I wish this wasn't such a pessimistic post but it is how I am feeling right now so it would be betraying myself if I forced myself to write a happy go lucky optimistic post. I am feeling somewhat positive in that the more I write about this the more of it comes out and does not stay in me like poison

I remember when I was younger, I think in school, writing dreams and messages on pieces of paper and putting them in balloons and then letting those balloons go. I remember wondering if I was releasing those dreams into the world was me letting them go or me letting them take flight and I was going to to pursue them.

Can I remember that freckle faced girl would write on those little slips of paper? I am sure it had something to do with wanting to be a writer for a newspaper column, being on the Olympic swim team, and travelling. At one point it would have included being a child psychologist, working with Childrens Aid, being a teacher and being popular. I am sure I scribbled my words fast and furious without thinking much about them, onto those little papers and wanted to get them into the balloons as soon as possible. I am sure I either let those balloons go quickly before the word to release them or I held onto them just a fraction longer than most people.

I feel like I put some pretty big dreams into those balloons in my early 20's. These were balloons that were in my heart, not the childish and fun balloons that the teachers handed out. I had the dream of marriage written on a slip of paper. It was much more detailed and carefully thought about than my scribbles that came out of my pencil sitting at my desk. I am sure I dreamed about more than a wedding dress and a special day but a marriage. A partnership. I put it all down, maybe even a name or two for the groom ;) on paper and carefully put it in the balloon, blew the balloon up and sent it up. I wrote out my next dream, to have a baby. I really meant this dream, I wanted to read the stick, look for those little important lines. I wanted to watch the bump in my belly grow and hold a little one in my arms (notice I skipped over that icky labour part). I wrote it out in beautiful cursive and each fat round letter reminded me of my dream. I carefully inserted the dream into a beautiful blue balloon and sent it up. I wrote my next dream to be financially responsible onto a slip of paper, to not only be responsible but to understand money matters. I sent it up. I started to dream a new dream from about 14years old, so I decided to write about it and send it up. I did. I wrote about how I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I know for sure those dreams as a child went up into the sky with those balloons. The teacher helped us by giving us a countdown to release the balloons. How does the structure of the countdown help it be ok to let go of something so personal as our dreams? I don't know. But it did. I think it was the promise of the teacher that this was a good and ok thing to do.

I wrote all those dreams of my 20's onto paper and put them in those balloons and sent them up. But did I truly let them go? If I did send them up is it time to truly let them go as they are so far away I cannot see them anymore....yet I still find myself either staring up at the sky looking for them or jumping up to reach the strings trailing down...

Is it time for new dreams? Or is dreaming time over?

Grass

2009-01-24T19:28:00.001-08:00

I have been reading a lot lately about new moms. I have been viewing photos of newborns, wedding dresses and little tykes on their first days of school and reading journals of nervous new moms. I want all of these things and imagine the grass being so green and dewy and wonderful to walk through.

Ok, no I don't. Well yes I do. Sigh, let me explain. I do want those things but I don't think that if I had those my life would be whole and complete and there would be a joyful soundtrack following my life around and I would twirl around in a dress and little sweet birds would come rest on my hands and I let forth a beautiful melody of song each time I opened my mouth.

I have always been discontent. I remember even as a kid wanting to be someone else. It was never a general sense of discontent, I knew EXACTLY who I wanted to be. I first wanted to be Katie Gilmour, she was this dark haired little girl who was younger than me and I wanted to be her. I wanted to have cute dark hair and big eyes and be Katie. WHy? I sure don't know as I dont' recall that being me was such a hardship when I was freaking 7 years old!!! I then wanted to be Janice, then Andrea, then Michelle, the my cousin Margaret, then Nancy, then Michelle and well you get the picture. I have always wanted to be someone else or be in another life situation or family.

Usually it had nothing to do with the person's physical appearance that I coveted, it was more something 'inside' of them. I know that I can name how I wanted my body to be like theirs but it was more that I thought the inside of me would change if I had a great outside like theirs. It took me a long to realize that it was not Katie's beautiful hair, Janice's blonde hair and nice skin, Michelle's great body that I desperately wanted it. It was Katie's ability to just be, Janice's sassy confidence and Michelle's ability to socialize that I yearned for. In the past few years those names have changed but I can name people whose confidence, sassiness, grace, intellect, beauty, strengthn or dignity I have wanted and felt if I just had *that* then all would be well.

It has been hard to read about the new babies, the weddings, the husbands etc. I consider these to be my hearts desire, that beautiful grass that I assume will not make ME any greener but that will lay a fertile ground inside of me to grow. So that 'greener' grass I keep coveting will finally be inside of me and I will no longer be chasing that 'other side'.

I wonder if anyone wants to be me at times?

I used to be a runner...

2009-01-21T16:40:00.000-08:00

I used to be a runner. I used to actually enjoy running. I enjoyed the trainning for races, the racing itself, and just the running. I loved what it felt like when I was running, (well ok- lets not romanticize it too much, I usually hated the first 10mins of any run) and when I was done and all sweaty and red faced I felt amazing. When it was a freaking cold day and I bundled up and ran and I came home I felt like a warrior for running.

I used to be a runner and then I stopped....silly me.

I judge people

2009-01-18T14:47:00.000-08:00

I judge people. I really and truly do. I think we all do but I find that I judge people for a very specific reason- to keep them away from me and to keep my non existent social life justifed. It is also to keep the scary socializing and talking to people away. If I judge you to be not worthy then I do not have to deal with you - or more importantly deal with me TRYING to deal with you. I notice it mostly when men try to talk to me. If I can find a way to make my mind think they are not someone I want to talk to I can avoid the awkward conversations that I am oh so famous for.

I also judge people I encounter in my every day life that are not men, because I more want to see if I measure up to you, not the other way around. I try to see if I am cool enough/smart enough/athletic enough/compassionate enough/ fun enough etc. to hang out with you and most of the time I judge myself less so that I don't have to get close to you.

....so realizing this means I can conquer it right?

Tomorrow's promise

2009-01-11T19:10:00.000-08:00

Today was not such a good day. I know the reasons for it - and I am glad to put those to bed along wtih myself ..and tomorrow..well tomorrow will have a gift for me

A new sunrise and a new chance to give of myself and recieve

beauty

grace

dignity

and

love

2009-01-11T15:19:00.001-08:00

THIS IS HOW I SPEND MOST OF MY FREE TIME....DOING NOTHING...LIKE THE USELESSNESS OF WATER FLUSHING DOWN A TOILET.....

..Clearly today is not a good day for me

Shhhhhhhh don't wake me...I am dreaming

2009-01-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

In my dreams I am a counsellor/fitness leader. I take both parts of my background, along with my teaching and I create and deliver programs that help children of all ages and economic status learn that being strong comes from healthy choices. I teach workshops to schools and companies that help them in turn teach kids about physical fitness and reaching for their goals. I teach groups of young girls that being sexy means being confident in who you are and your changing self not from acting coy and having 'a great rack'. I teach boys that being macho is about being healthy and strong not only about being 'tough'. I teach children with mental health challenges the joys and outlets of physical fitness. I teach parents to model and pariticpate in a good lifestyle so they can share this with their child. I teach family fun fitness classes.

shhhhhhhhhhh don't wake me because I am dreaming.

...and then there was suddenly a lemonade recipe

2009-01-10T10:51:00.001-08:00

My list from yesterday...

1. It is not fair that I have a mental illness.

No, no it is not. But However there are things I can do about it. I can take medications, I am working on this one with a dr and will start medication soon. I can sleep regular hours, working on this one as it is part of the mental illness to disrupt my patterns so I am working on it. I can eat well, I am also working on this at and making great progress. I can workout regularly, I am doing that 5/7 days a week and am planning on adding in strength training this coming week. I can give myself a break and realize that this is not a failing on my part personally, working on this one.

2. It is not fair I have not found love.

I have had love in my life, so I have experienced love. I guess what I mean here is that I have not found love in the ways that I want to in my life, right now at this stage in my life. Part of it is that I do not believe I am open to love, as emotions and feelings (mine or others) scare the crapoola out of me. It is not fair but I have control over changing this. And...I will.

3. It is not fair that I may not have the choice to be a mother or not.

This one is tougher to both think about and write about. There is 90% of me that is dying to be a mother - can almost feel the baby in me and in my arms. I wrote a poem about it first year university and still mean every word. Then there is the 10% of me that thinks I would hate being tied to someone for the rest of my life, that is terrified by the awesome responsibility of it all. However age and health may take that choice of even trying away from me and I feel very bitter about that. I have friends who say that this is not out of the relam of choices for me. However I am NOT going to get pregnant just because I want to and it good for me. There are so many other considerations here that to do that would just be selfish.

4. It is not fair that I cannot express my emotions or that feeling them scares me.

At first I was going to say this is totally and utterly under my own control and choice. However, it is not fully. I think this is going to be like toilet training a toddler...not easy but so damn worthwhile. I will start by writing about my feelings and trying to express them to others. I will also try NOT to find ways to keep myself busy when I begin to feel.

5. It is not fair that I missed my chance with some great people in my life.

No, it is not. I wish that things were different, but they are not. I can look back and try to learn from the reasons I turned away, in fear and some cases ignorance and learn from those mistakes that is all.

6. It is not fair that I am in debt.

Hell ya it is! I spent, I purchased out a sense of fear, sadness and entitlement and the crazy thought that it could buy my emotions away. It is not fun and it is not easy being in debt but it is fixable.

7. It is not fair that my family is not as close as I would like it to be.

No, it is not. I keep trying to bring us together, to do things together, to develop traditions but organizing a simple outing or evening in is like organizing a world leader conference- sheesh! I am trying to get to know my parents and as people now that they and I are older but I am getting blocked at most attemps due to their personal issues. I will keep trying but may just have to chalk this up to one of my disappointments in life. I also may need to change my defintion of 'family'.

8. It is not fair that I have colitis.

No, no it is not. See #1 for most the same reasoning. I am also very lucky that it is mild as I read about people I know with severe or moderate and - ugh.

9. It is not fair that have serious social anxiety that is confining and limiting my life.

Again, see number one and number 9. HOWEVER, this one is a bit different in that this can be totally unlearned and eradicated from my life with medication but mostly through hard work. It is also totally related to #4.

10. It is not fair that I have to work so hard just to lose a pound or gain muscle.

Suck it up L. and get it done. Be consistent, be strong and be successful.

Here is my 10 part recipe to make wonderful lemonade.

*burp* Ooops excuse me but that dose of lemonade was refreshing.

It is not fair...list to follow.

2009-01-09T13:45:00.000-08:00

Now if I had written this blog in the mood I was in last night then....WOW what a post it would have been. But since I am being honest I will create the list I was going to.

1. It is not fair that I have a mental illness.
2. It is not fair that I have not found love.
3. It is not fair that I may not have the choice to be a mother or not.
4. It is not fair that I cannot express my emotions or that feeling them scares me.
5. It is not fair that I missed my chance with some great people in my life.
6. It is not fair that I am in debt.
7. It is not fair that my family is not as close as I would like it to be.
8. It is not fair that I have colitis.
9. It is not fair that have serious social anxiety that is confining and limiting my life.
10. It is not fair that I have to work so hard just to lose a pound or gain muscle.

Welcome 2009..whatever shall we do together?

2009-01-01T12:57:00.000-08:00

2008-12-30T22:48:00.000-08:00

Moving forward: take 120903480903294209384 :)

2008-12-27T11:17:00.000-08:00

My RM secret Santa (thanks Nick!) gave me the poster. It says Challenge: Winners must have two things: definite goals and a burning desire to achieve them.

Which came first the chicken or the .....

2008-12-26T19:01:00.000-08:00

My mother has taught me a lot in life. I am sure she had *something* to do with those major milestones of me doing things like walking, talking, riding a bike, making to my first day of school safely. She wiped my forehead when I was sick, clapped for me when I preformed in the school productions, fought for me when someone was mean and corrected me when I had gone down the wrong path. You know mother stuff. She did it all - and she did it well. I am eternally grateful to her for all she did and how she did it with her whole heart.

I learned a few other things she did not set out to teach me. I learned these from observing her. I learned to be critical of my body, that being overweight kept you from doing things and lead to constant adjusting and readjusting of one's clothing. I learned that you do for others first, your needs and your desires can be fulfilled if there is time left and it is acceptable to everyone else. I learned to ignore someone else destructive behaviour and to be in on the 'secret'. I learned to judge the situations moods and feelings and change mine so that they fit into the mould and not cause discomfort for others or a confrontation. I learned to be good at pretending to be 'okay'.

I have had two constant life mates that go back as far as this memory challenged blogger can recall. Depression and anxiety. I remember anxiety being with me from childhood, but I think we called it shyness back then. Depression is a bit tougher; I can recall it fully introducing itself to me in my teen years. Each of these has been in my daily life in one form or the other or sometimes both. I began to notice this mostly in my teen years, how depression was always lurking in the background. It was like someone had this dark cloak and would wait for just that right moment and come to the foreground and lay it on me. I would feel its heaviness settling onto my shoulders and covering me. I hated how I could feel it coming on but felt powerless to shrug it off.

Anxiety is a bit tougher as it has been with me for so long that I just thought it was me. It became more of a problem in my teens as it prevented me from doing things, mainly social things. In my last few years of high school it prevented me from going to class quite a bit and even if I got myself to school I would often leave sick.

I am very certain that these parts of me are strongly attributed to nature and nurture. I am seeking help now for the nature part of and doing so seriously for the first time in my life. The nurture part is a bit tougher but through seeking help for nature I hope to understand, confront and forgive the nurture part.

I guess in my title I am chicken and my mother is the egg. My mother has always had some self confidence and body issues- that is not invading her privacy or selling out family secrets by sharing that. In the past 10 years she has also struggled with depression with one serious bout a few years ago. However in the past year and a half she has also experienced what I wish on no one, not even those who I don't like or feel they deserve it, anxiety. Not the worrying about an event kind, the kind of anxiety that lives within you daily and crops up at appropriate times such as events, presentations, new experiences but also in your daily life. You wake up and its there, you go to work and yes there it is, you try to sleep and quiet your mind and HELLO! It is there.

My dear mother who has one of the biggest hearts in the world is struggling with this anxiety and often times it is besting her. In trying to help my mother through this it has broken my heart, hardened it at times and been a glaring mirror held up to my life. I am getting a first hand look at what it must be like for people who try to help me, or who have tried to help me in the past. I talk to my mom on the phone and I hear how weary and small anxiety has made her that day. I hate, hate, and hate it. I want to crawl into her lap and let her take care of me again. I want her to see how strong she is and how she can get help for this but she is not there yet. She is in the denial stage and is fighting it on her own. I admire her fight but also know that for some it is a like and endless battle with a school yard bully.

I wonder if she has fought this all her life and just now is letting us in on the battle. I know that I can join her in this fight; it is a war I was conscripted for long, long ago.
As I stand beside and at times behind her in this battle I really wonder what came first her helping me or me helping her..Does it really matter?

I love you so much Mom and hate, hate HATE that you are going through this. I know you now have an understanding of what I have gone through (how I wish you could have stayed ignorant) and feel you let me down but not helping me sooner but please know that I too hid things well.

Let's not hide anymore - let's hold our faces to the sun. There is no shame to be hand.
Just like the chicken, let's not ask why - let's just cross the damn road. Here, take my hand and come with me.
We can both do it.

A little bit of this and a little bit of that....

2008-12-26T09:07:00.001-08:00

A little bit of this:
I had a very unexpectedly nice Christmas yesterday. I have not been too interested in Christmas for several reasons. Part of it was just me; I have had some trouble in the last few months being interested in much. I know this is not me and I am getting help for that. Part of it has been my mother - I plan to blog about that later today as best I can without invading her privacy too much. Part of it is I feel lonely without a personal family of my own.
But yesterday was quite nice. I spent Christmas Eve alone by choice and slept in until about 930am. I had saved a present a co-worker had given me so that I would have something to open on Christmas morning. It was a lovely FILA tracksuit and I am glad to say it fit. I got ready and made my way up to my brother and sister in laws house. Of course she had the house nice and had a ton of food. Nothing like seeing your nieces and god daughter to make you smile.
I remarked to my sister in law that yesterday was one of my favourite Christmases. It was not the grandest or most romantic or active of Christmases. I think what it is that I allowed myself to just have fun with my nieces and the Wii system and not worry about looking dumb or failing at something. It sounds so very simplistic to say I just let myself have fun and play the Wii but for me that is not been an easy thing in the past. Trying something new and just enjoying the experience and not thinking it through. That is what made it nice. That and family - I adore my sister in law, my nieces and it was great to see my mother there as I had secretly worried she would not make it.

A little bit of that:
I am now at my highest weight ever 164. Lbs. I can only say I am disgusted with myself. I am not even sure what to say about it. I just did not want to hide that from myself I am fat. For me, my body size, my comfortable weight and size, I am fat. I am going to have to buy some new clothing to get through this weight. I am hoping with exercise and logging my food (which I go back to tomorrow) the weight will come off. Right now this is all I have to say on the subject.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T18:38:00.000-08:00

The Value of my tears

2008-12-23T14:56:00.000-08:00

I cried today when I woke up
I cried for the beauty of the morning which brought me new hope
I cried for the joys that yesterday brought me

I cried today when I woke up
I cried for the times I hurt others
I cried for the times I was cruel and hurtful

I cried today when I woke up
I cried for the hope I do not always feel in my heart
I cried for the darkness that comes over my soul

I cried when I woke up today
I cried for those who are in a time of war
I cried aloud for peace in our world and in our hearts

I cried when I woke up today
I cried for the secrets in my heart to come out
I cried to my soul to lift the shroud of fear

I cried when I woke up today
I cried for love lost and love never started
I cried for the immense capacity and ability to love

I cried when I woke up today
I cried for my family
I cried for my friends

I cried when I woke up today
I cried for all the tears
I have not cried

We are but our stories..do you want to hear mine?

2008-12-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

Did anyone tell you about the day you were born?

Have you heard stories about when you swam so freely

and safely insidethe womb of your provider?

Stories, stories,stories,

they started long before we we came into this life.

What came first stories or you?

Stories are but all we have

Stories are but all we are

Stories are but all we will become

and it is our stories we will leave behind

Tall tales, dreams, lies, embellishements

this is what we trade in daily

this is our currrencyto relate to each other

to denyto love

to shareto exploreto pride

to boast

to humble

Stories are within us

our hearts our fears

our hope

our prayers

our very breath

We tell stories we hear stories

we feel stories we breathe the stories

the stories breathe us

We are but stories woven

and interwoven so many times

and with all the other stories of the universe woven and interwoven

that truth and reality are really just two verisions of stories

that are in us

Let me sit and tell you a story a story that is me........................

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2008-12-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

My last post got me thinking about the question that is constantly on my mind....WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK? I know it is fear and lack of confidence because I taste it as much as I taste the food that graces my mouth.

I was not always this afraid, this sick. I was thinking how the fear and sickness are related because both allow me to hibernate and hide- both incapictate me and neither can truly be ignored if you see me - as both manifest themselves in such a physical sense. If you talk to me I hide it well but when you are with me and I am really losing it there is no denying it.

I spoke to someone who just experienced his first ever panic attack. He said he did not realize it when it was happening but after he did and then me made a decision to never let it happen again. I was happy for him but I need to be honest -I was also shamed and pissed. I like that he "made that decision" but it sounded like it was just like standing in line at a coffee shop figuring out what you wanted to order and then simply stating your order and a few mintues later getting it.

Was it because it took me too long to name the problem as anxiety? Was it because I was weak? Because for years my response has been to feed the anxiety not 'make a decision' to not let it happen again so my conditined response is to do whatever it takes for the anxiety to go away, which is usually avoidance. My condtioned response is about as automatic the beat of my heart and the breath I take. It is so a part of me I cannot imagine it gone but I do.

If I had to think of goals/dreams/desires that I would experience if money/health/anxiety were not an issue....

1 . Travel...far and wide and close

2. Train seriously for triathlon or rowing

3. Fall in love

4. Laugh and cry with abandon

5. Ski, snowboard, hike, trail run, snowshoe, surf!!!

So 2008 is coming to a close and I am still in my little world with the odd exhilirating excursion but in 2009 I know it will be different and a big part of that is shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I have admitted I need help and am getting it.

An athlete

2008-12-22T10:07:00.000-08:00

What is an athlete?
This question is circling my mind a lot lately. Two friends of mine have suggested I join a cross training triathlon group. I am wanting to but holding back. I am not sure if it is the social anxiety or the fact that I look at people who are in the group and again feel like the fat kid in gym class trying to fake my way through. The one problem is I have allowed my body to match my mental thinking now and at almost 20-30lbs overweight I really would feel like that uncoordinated, chubby, shy kid who could try to find any excuse to not walk out of that changeroom in gym class.

I have done 4 half marthons, numerous 10 and 5K's and a few 8K runs. I have completed two try a tri events and done some fun charity runs. I had a point where I brought not only my weight way down but lost a lot of inches and enjoyed the weight trianing.

But I do not feel like an athlete and I think I may have finally figured out why. It is that an athlete is committed - demonstrates commitment in what they do. I have very little sense of commitment in my life. In fact if I want to start running again - put a commitment infront of me and you will see me run - fast - in the OTHER direction.

I joke, I jest but seriously commitment scares me. Seriously though it goes back to the title of my blog - enough. I just don't feel enough to put the effort into. I am not looking for sympathy or a kick in the ass about this. I just need to get it out and then look at it after.

Who do I see as athletes? Ironcoll, terri, tracy, seuss, La, robbie, lisa, dave - all these people have set goals, fought to reach them, then set some more.

I want to look in the mirror and see me, the athlete

I am attracted to girls.

2008-12-21T20:43:00.000-08:00

Ok I put it out there. I am. I am attracted to girls. Ok! There you have it in print.

Now to clarify my cheekiness. I am attracted to girls/women who are highly self sufficent. I live on my own, pay my own bills but would not say I am self sufficent. I am thinking of people like Jacqui, Janet, Sue and D who can put on an evening dress with full and wonderful make up just as easy as installing a new counter. Holy crap batwomen you rock! I dream of being that woman who wakes up to a leaking faucet or broken cupboard door and my first thought is "hmmm what should I wear to Home Dept?" Not, "crap! crap! crap! Who can I call?"

I am not saying I am a princess who needs to be waited on but I am surely not someone whose first instinct is to rely on her own skills, or to get out there and learn those new skills. I am quite willing to try things like putting up shelving or frames or trying to unclog a block in a sink or a toilet. I have been known to google the problem, go out and purchase what I need and fix it. However when it came recently to my pedals on my bike needing swtiched or needing to set up the trainer I purchased for said bike, I turned into a girly girl who was searching for the white knight to come in and fix it! If it means my personal or someone else's safety then I am so not willing to trust my own skills.

What is with that??? I know - again the mocking demon of self esteem and confidence rears its ugly head. I would rather do a hunderd nokbas (no clue how to spell this!!!!) than entrust my skills to building/fixing or creating.

So I guess I know what this means...time for me to work on this. Hmmmm, what around my place needs doing?

Signed,
I am attracted to girls.

Enough and then some and well then some more...

2008-12-21T17:14:00.001-08:00

Ok - going to blog about this because it is on my mind. I promise not to lament about it because there would be no point in that because the solution is not in talking but the doing.

Throughout my teenage years I was between 115-125lbs and I thought I was fat. I then floated between 130-140 for most of my 20's dipping down to the 120's at times...and I thought I was fat. Throughout my late 20's until now I have been anywhere from 140-163 and wait for it...yes I think I am fat. So what does this tell me?

It tells me my body image is screwed and that the 'enough' disease is not only about my personality but about my weight too. I felt that I would only be enough if I was think like Mich or others. I never took the time to appreciate the healthy body. When I look back and my clear skin, my freckles, my long hair and body I realize that I was very attractive, a lot more than I thought. I remember thinking it was bad if I thought I was attractive and if I got a compliment then I would find a way to deny or laugh it away. Why? I think because I have always had trouble thinking good things about myself.

My weight now is due to not caring and not respecting my age and my health. I have been very disrespectful towards my body. I feel unhappy in certain key areas of my life so I think I have subconciously allowed my body to become as lost and sloppy as I can truly feel at times.

So I am enough and then some and then some more in my weight ...(giggle) but not for too long. I am not going to try some of my old tricks to lose the weight. The extra 20 lbs did not jump on my overnight so I will not lose overnight - I will take my time and do this right.

I want to be more than enough in my life and for my body I want more than enough, I want to push past the acceptable health/weight and achieve a respect of my body and what I will be asking it to do during 2009 triathlon season.

looking forward to losing the and then some and then some more....

Oh and ya - about the picture...I love me some Bob from Biggest Loser, although I think training with him would just as scary as it would be rewarding.

There should be books on this.

2008-12-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

There are manuals and support groups and online articles on being a new mother, on baby raising, toddler tricks, how to survive your teenager, and caring for eldery parents. I think I may have thought of an untapped market - well at least a market that most of society is happy to ignore. Not ignore out of ignorance or maliace but out of an extreme sense of being uncomfortable. It is people my age who are single. That age being over around 32ish. I say this because being single in your 20's and even early 30's is advertised as fun and exciting - very Sex in the City and Friends. However once you hit around 32 the envy of your married or 'settled' friends turns to uncomfortable tsking and embarassment.

It is an age where most of my friends/social circle are establishing their young families and well quite frankly they do not know what to do with the likes of me. It is like an awkward knicknack that someone gives you and no matter where you place it in the house it just seems well, awkward. It is not that it is not nice or it does not fit in but it does not quite fit in the way the final puzzle piece drops so nicely into the bigger picture. You do not want to get rid of this knicknack as it has sentimental value and well, you just like it.

I think for older singles, and by older I mean older in lifesytle stage in the sense that if you have friends who have children/husbands they are older children, it is different. I think that your friends are more settled as moms/wives that they are back establishing their own identities(this may offend some - oops!) and getting together is not seen as a chore but a joy and for some a necessity. I find my friends who are a single and their social circle comprises of older moms/couples it is not as difficult or uncomfortable.

There should be a book on how to handle being in your mid 30's and being single and by being single I mean truly single, not dating, not in a relationship but not married etc. The dating pool at this point is more like the shallow end of a wading pool, sometimes it might be best to not dip your feet in. However my life is not over or stalled. In your teens you almost are waiting to finish high school to move onto either the workforce or post secondary. In university/college you are waiting to finish your degree and dating with the intent of fun and of course finding a partner. You work towards these things. In your 20's you finish your post secondary education and are 'ready to start your life'. Somehow 'ready to start your life' seems to involve finding a career, a home and that someone to share these with. Your 30's are usually your young mother years.

But what if they are not? What if you took the road less travelled? What if that road is exciting but also lonely? What if that road is very scenic and beautiful but without someone to stop and enjoy the view with the road becomes tough to travel?

There should be an etiquette book for those going through this - how to get the most out of a life lived mostly alone. How to stop feeling like you are waiting for something but you are doing exactly what you should be right now.

There should be an etiquette book for those who know people living this life, by choice or not. This book should explain how to not feel awkward around this person, how to include them, how to be understanding and humourous but to not keep saying "your time will come" because my time is right now - it is just different than yours. Like most things in life (hotel rates, vacation packages etc.) ...the world is just built to accomdate couples/families and I am very happy for you and your family. But please, be happy for me but understand it is sometimes like being a square peg in a round world.

2008-12-21T08:32:00.000-08:00

It looks like I am going to put one foot in front of the other on my own for quite awhile. I have grown tired of trying to put myself in the lives of others. Of asking people to meet up, of joining their family events, of waiting until someone has time for me, an opening in a schedule to fit in time. I am realistic in terms that I am not the easiest person to be friends with and that is why I realize that part of this journey is me finding and bringing out the best parts of me and learning to love and be accepting of the parts of me that are not as 'pretty' as I would like because all of these parts make up me. And me is "enough and then some!".
My best friend is pulling away and putting me in a different space in her life, and it hurts so very much. Part of it is my fault, I grew too comfortable with our moaning about what was not positive in our lives and we exhausted eachother. I know that it is far too easy for me to turn to the dark instead of embrace the light. The slope downwards is quicker and seductive as opposed to the steps upto the light, even though it is so very warm and inviting. Part of the change in the dynamic of our relationship is that she has a husband and maybe trying to start a family in the coming new year. This is just the reality of my life right now - my friends are mostly part of young families which require lots of family time to develop and grow. I am not. I must accept that.

I look down that pathway under all that red and am not sad or joyful or intimidated, I am not eager or reluctant. It is almost not a choice, I am drawn to walk down in to see where my travels take me.

Today, they take me out shopping for some snowpants to play in the snow:)

Vodka, organizing and making space..rambling post

2008-12-20T16:53:00.000-08:00

This post is being started at 7:53pm. I am not sure when it will end- I am going through stuff in boxes under my bed and cleaning up so I can store clothing that does not fit. I am finding old journals. I think it may be time to get rid of somethings.

Grade school autograph books are gone- that was not too bad.
Journals...tough to do but when I re-read and see the beginning of my anxiety attacks in high school it makes me want to throw them out. I will, after I re-read them. This is where the vodka comes in handy.
Ok..read through one journal that was about a relationship..hard to read but it is done and in the garbage bag.
The little diary that was a gratitude journal was tougher. It was from a time I was with someone and his family just made me such a part of it that I was always with a family - a part of a unit. These days so much of my life is alone - hard to read- but I got a smile amongst the tears - it is in the garbage bag.

Oh wow....just went through a scrapbook of sorts I had made when I was in my teens. I was SO dark...when did darkness creep into me? I do not remember it always being there. My poetry is so very very dark and concerning. As an adult and teacher if I had seen this work, I would be very worried for this little girl. Why did I take care of her then? - I threw them out - I do not need to see those words ever again.

An unassuming black binder with poetry. Amazing how it can rock my world and take me back to when those words poured out of me...It starts when I was thirteen and my poetry was fluffy and light. 15 years old - what the heck happened back then - my poetry is about death and isolation and utter self loathing. I wish I had a memory of those times..of why I felt so damn dark. I am currently still going through them..wandering if I should keep - but a big part of me feels getting rid of them is healing and another feels it is disrespectful to myself. I got to the end of the binder and it felt right to let these words go as well... moving onto the next box.

But first...vodka...yes that is a good decision.

Next box...but first let's put on a bit of P!nk to clean to...yes~!
:
Found a journal I kept writing quotes in - I love quotes. Here are a few favourites:
You have to be willing to get rid of the life you've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - J. Campbell
People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown they prefer suffering that is familiar. - thicnhat Hanh
If you are going through hell - keep going. W. Churchill
Nothing is worth more than this day. -Goethe
Why not go out on a limb, that is where all the fruit is. - Twain
Some people walk in the rain. Others get wet. - Roger Miller.
There is nothing that cannot happen today. - Twain

Ok painful parts over for now. Going through my clothing and putting away what does not fit right now. It hurts too much to open my closet and see it all the time right now. I am working on my weight and my feelings at the same time as they seem connected...damn there is a lot going in these boxes.

vodka goes down easier when listening to P!ink. it dulls the pain and hope I feel right now but I still feel it - that is good- feeling is good..right? right! Right.

I keep the oddest of stuff- I think if I keep stuff it means I am useful - just like the stuff I need...odd? ya it is.

I should listen to Emimen's Cleaning out my closet - as that is what I am doing. It is so sad how much stuff does not fit me anymore. Holy crap - this is 3/4 of my stuff

..making room for more in my life - the old shit just ain't feeling right

post over (for now) at 9:33pm - going to continue cleaning and rockin out to P!ink

Explanation of enough....

2008-12-19T18:59:00.001-08:00

I have spent too much time wondering if I was enough. What is enough? When do I know I am enough? When I get to what I think is enough..will there be another level of 'enoughness' for me to get to? So what do I think now...Right here, right now is enough and then some, in each moment life is bursting with abundance.

And out of the starting blocks she goes...

2008-12-19T18:31:00.000-08:00

Why sit all bundled up and warm

what will happen if you get a little chilly?

why sit with those you know

what will happen if you say hi to the person beside you?

Why sit back and watch the game

what will happen if you jump in and make that catch?

why sit and look at old memories and faded photographs

what will happen if you buy that new roll of film?

why hold in all those feelings that swirl in your heart?

what will happen if you let them leak out ~ just a little at first?

Why hold back the excitement of knowing someone likes you

what will happen if you like them back ~ and show it!

why live life like you are watching it from your tv room

what will happen if you become the star?

Take a risk ~ take a chance you might fail

but you took a step

Why just sit and write what is in your heart

what will happen if act these words instead of writing them?

ok You - one foot infront of the other -

take is slow, take it fast -

just TAKE IT!

~CK~